Says
Knock-knock
Whose there?
Says
Says who?
Says me
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Entitled To One Phone Call
Entitled To One Phone Call
Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer, unable to reach their parents, gave them each one phone call.
A half hour later, a man entered the station.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just delivering their pizza!"
Legal
Fat Man
An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a fat man are all going skydiving. When they get to jump the Englishman shouts, "God save England!"
The Scotsman shouts, "God save Scotland!"
The Irishman shouts, "God save Ireland!"
Then the fat man jumps and shouts, "God save whoever I land on!"
Misc
Rita
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Rita
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something!
Knock Knock
One Fence and Another
What's the difference between two yards?
A. Usually a fence.
One Liners
Strike Bowling
Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row!
"I just got 3 strikes in a row!" said Lisa.
Marie said, "You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!"
Sports
Teacher
In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter.
Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"
School
Lorena Bobbitt's Sister
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a....
Misdewiener
Relationships
Dot
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Dot.
Dot who?
Dots for me to know, and you to find out.
Knock Knock
Rich People
How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They hire people to do it for them.
Lightbulb
Hear Ye, Hear Ye . . .
"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist.
"Really? Can you describe the symptoms?"
"Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."
Medical
Stay Fit
Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!
One Liners
What Do You Call.
Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head?
A: Douglas
Misc
Difference Between Teacher And...
What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains?
The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.
School
Don't Fall Asleep!
Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight.
Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW!
Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired!
Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working!
Legal
Barbie
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
One Liners
Man At The Door
"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!"
"No wonder I didn't hear him!"
Dad Jokes
Big Momma at the Family Reunion
Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane.
Yo Momma
Henry Goes to Confession...
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
Misc
Internet
What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?
Not everyone has been on the internet!
Technology
You So Poor
Yo momma so fat, and you so poor, she stepped in your house and the tires popped.
Yo Momma
Bermuda Triangle
Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.
Yo Momma
Lightbulb
How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb???
None, they will just have there robot do it.
Lightbulb
Have You Ever Noticed
That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain.
Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile.
But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.
Deep Thoughts