If at First...
If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
No, YOU Guess!
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
Office
What Hoppened?
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money."
The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
Legal
Thirty-two Rednecks
What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!
One Liners
Comebacks!
- You're so stupid, you got locked inside a grocery store and starved to death!
- You're so big, you play pool with the planets!
- You're so fat, when you went outside in yellow clothes, someone screamed, "TAXI!"
- You're so big, when you go to the movies, you sit next to everybody!
- You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped your parents.
- You're so stupid, the three stooges use you as an inspiration!
Medical
Astounding Discovery
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
Misc
Jack and the Phone Call
Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang.
"What time do you open in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again.
" You might as well stop calling," Jack shouted." There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar!" "I don't want to get in," the caller interjected."I want to get out!"
Bar
Steering Wheel
What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
An Air-Bag
Misc
We're The Ellawi
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic.
The boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Office
Stew
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Stew
Stew who?
Stew cold out here, let me in!
Knock Knock
Bargain
Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree "T-Bone* $4.25". I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the "*" was "with meat, $14.95"
Bar
Point of Note
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
One Liners
Coast Gaurd Bumper Sticker
This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker:
Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST!
Misc
Class Reunion
I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.
One Liners
Strange name for Cats
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
Animals
Cappuccino Buzz
I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.
One Liners
Heaven
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Bar
Waiter 4
Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today.
Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have?
Customer: A clean menu!
Bar
The Huged Handed Teacher
Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have?
Justin: Huge hands sir
School
Little Johnny and his wagon
A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls.
The man says to LittleJohnny "Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck."
Little Johnny replies "If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren"
Animals
Planting an Education
What is a plant's favorite school year?
KinderGARDEN!!!
Puns
Cargo
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Cargo.
Cargo Who?
Car Go "Beep, Beep!"
Knock Knock
What Do You Call?
Q. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk?
A. An Utter Delight!
Puns
Egyptologist
The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!
One Liners