Perfect Climate
The perfect climate is in bed.
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Pig In A Bar
A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?"
The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"
Bar
Uglyness
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!!
Yo Momma
Who has the Biggest?
Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 3rd grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde because she is 18.
Misc
Funny
one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled
School
Silence
Ask me about my vow of silence..
One Liners
I Know Daddy's Password
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Kids
Appendicitis
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde yelled at the doctor, "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!"
Medical
Work
Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes."
"What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
"I just can't see myself coming into work today."
Office
Pillows
Yo Momma is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows, and when she woke up, her pillows were gone.
Yo Momma
Dog Ugly
Yo Mama was so Ugly as a child your granddaddy had to put a pork chop round her neck so the dog would play with her.
Yo Momma
Traffic Ticket
Once a blond police officer stopped a man and asked for his driving license.
She saw it and told the man "it says here that you must wear glasses"
The man said "I have contacts"
The blond said "I don't care who you know, you are still getting a traffic ticket"
Office
My Old Man Is Home!
Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
Relationships
Cheese Grater
Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas?
A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!
Deep Thoughts
Lost Wife
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Relationships
Milk
CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?
CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
Puns
Mee-ow!
If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left?
None, they're all copycats!
Animals
Bills
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
One Liners
A Lawyer Joke
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
Legal
Horseback riding
Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding?
Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite.
Joe: Polite?
Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
Animals
Dirt, Dirt, and More Dirt!
Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections!
Other Earth Worm: Why?
Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!
Animals
Help! I'm stuck
Did you hear about the accident at the mall?
There was a power outage and a group of blondes was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!
Misc
Another Psychiatrist
A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate."
The man says, "Yes, I know."
The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?"
"Your light was on!"
Medical
Playing Poker
When the phone rang, she excused herself from the sofa. A few seconds later she rejoined her male companion.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
Relationships