The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied,
Child: "Bud."
Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, "Oh, God!"
The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain."
The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?"
Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home.
So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar.
Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Q: What is the definition of a sick bird?
A: Illegal
And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.
2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, "LOOK! Dead bird!"
The 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells "Where?!"
A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?"
"$80 a tooth," he replies.
"For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient.
"Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.
What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
Knock- Knock
Who's There?
Kenya
Kenya Who?
Kenya eat me out?
Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: "SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES".
One day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's, to which she replied: "Yes, how did you know?".
He replied "HICKORY DICKORY DOC!"
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood?
On Molar-Skates
Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.
How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!
How many Wocka users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: All of 'em. One to hold the lightbulb and the rest to argue if this is funny or not.
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But...Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!