Cat Exercise
What is a cat's favourite exercise?
Puss-Ups!
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Kept in the Dark
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Legal
Photo Op
We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming,
"Discover the Ancient World."
School
Lion Story
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Puns
No I in Team!
Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."
Sports
The Painter
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?"
"He was your doctor."
Medical
Gravy
Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.
Yo Momma
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
Puns
Horse
Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.
Yo Momma
Worms
A schoolteacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly. She then asked her students what this proved.
One student raised his hand and said, "If you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms."
Kids
Television
You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
Puns
Wooden Eye
When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp) we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, "Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?" and he said, "Hairlip, hairlip." and they never spoke again.
Puns
Thanksgiving
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds.
"You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
Animals
Yo Mamma So Fat
Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack.
Yo Momma
What's Wrong With that Guy?
"What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town.
"The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)."
Medical
Doctor Golf
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $17,000."
"What did he have?"
"Oh... About $17,000."
Medical
Yo Momma
Your dad is Santa Claus and your mom is A HO HO HO!
Dad Jokes
Sumos
You're so fat you make sumos look anorexic.
One Liners
Switzerland
A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'
Legal
Dyslexics
How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?
Lightbulb
Lesson in Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Kids
Hot
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold!
Animals
Take with Water
After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
"Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?" the woman asked.
"You're not drinking enough water."
Medical
No Pun
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Puns