The Darkest Hours
The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Relationships
Let's Vote on This Now
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.
Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
Programming
Shade
Yo mama's so fat, she sells shade, and that gives her enough to feed a family!
Yo Momma
North & South
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
Technology
Golfing Guru
Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
Sports
Bubble Gum
Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.
Yo Momma
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
Bar
Blonde Radio
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Misc
Little Known Medical Condition Diagnosis
Dickiedoo Disease: defined as the expansion of the adominal region of the human male to the point where it eliminates the view of the male's private part from its possessor. Translated into a more commonly used phrase "His belly sticks out further than his Dickiedoo!
Also know as Abdominalius Humongus and in some cases where the male appendage is not very large, this condition is known as Male Apparatus Non-existus.
Medical
Blonde Nurse
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
Deep Thoughts
Blonde Driving
Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people
Misc
Epitaph
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man."
"Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
Legal
Finish
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Medical
As Small As a Mouse
The doctors were talking about their work.
"I had great success with one of my patients," said the first doctor. "When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse."
"And you cured him?" the second docter asked.
"I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small," the first docter said, "He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him."
"What happened?"
"It was an accident," the doctor sighed sadly, "A pussy cat ate him."
Medical
Hair Streaks
A blond, brunette, and redhead are talking. The blond asks the brunette, "Where did you get those hair streaks?" She answers, "Its natural." The brunette asks the redhead the same question. "Its natural." she answers. The redhead and brunette ask the blond, "How did you get that green streak in your hair?" She answers, "Phhnnnggg," (As she blows her nose on her hand and puts it through her hair) "Its natural.'
Technology
The Buddhist Computer Addict
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Programming
Football
Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl!
Yo Momma
Believer
"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?"
"Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"
Technology
What in the World?
What does the turtle do in the Olympics?
The hurdle run!
Animals
That's Good
"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."
Relationships
Father $ Son
This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :)
Dad Jokes
Blond Dad
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
Dad Jokes
A Story about 4 Body's
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Misc