Irishman
What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard?
Paddy O'Furniture
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
What Do You Call A Man...
What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use?
Don't know it's never happened.
Relationships
Melon
Why did the melon jump into the water?
Because it wanted to be a watermelon!
Puns
Baby
I heard you got a baby.
Dad: Yes, and I am very happy.
So what about the wife?
Dad: She still doesn't know.
Relationships
Three Vampires
Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?"
The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood".
The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood.
The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?"
The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."
Bar
Yesterday, I Heard ...
Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
Medical
Outside of Tree
Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Johnny: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark."
Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"
Kids
Michael Jackson
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: One, but 500 children to hold the ladder!
Lightbulb
DIRTY
Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water
Yo Momma
Inventions
Blonde inventions:
Waterproof towel
Unbreakable egg
Submarine screen door
Solar powered flash light
Helicopter ejection seat
Inflatable dart board
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Misc
Tell The Truth
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Office
White House Interior Decorator
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll have those mirrors removed right away!"
Office
Fruit Roll Up
I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!
Sports
How many?
Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb????
A: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs?
Lightbulb
Peek-A-Boo
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Office
Blondesssss
What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
She goes home!
Misc
Broken
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder who?
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder...
Knock Knock
On the Golf Course
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Sports
Battle of the Sexes
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Relationships
Train
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Chugga Chugga Chooch
Chugga Chugga Chooch Who?
Wheeee!! A train! All aboard!
Knock Knock
Underwear
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
Medical
Joined at the Tooth...
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Relationships
Head
A blonde girl was at school staring at a puzzle on her desk that she could not figure out. The teacher comes by and tells her, "You can solve it! Just use your head!" The teacher comes back to check on the blonde and she saw her head all bruised up. The teacher said, "What happened?!" Then the blonde says, "Well, you told me to use my head."
School
Rise and Shine
A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's
strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed
and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll
rise and shine.
Puns