162 = W S in G
162 = worst score in golf.
Sports
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Some Mergers
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home.
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine.
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera.
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple.
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese.
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi.
And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.
Programming
Toulose
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Toulose.
Toulose who?
I don't want to lose to anybody!
Knock Knock
Welfare Blonde
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how you cook food stamps.
Food
Oops!
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."
Legal
Frogs?
Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most?
Open toad!
Puns
A Pen in Space
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
Misc
"Smart" Teacher
A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up."
After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
School
Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Medical
What Should They Get
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
Kids
Batty Books 2!
Crime and Punishment by Laura Norda
The Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. Dunnit
The Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin Banks
Holidays in Britain; by A. Pauline Whetha
Contagious Diseases; by Willie Catchit
Driving Through Germany; by Otto Mobile
Broken Window; by Eva Brick
Monsters; by Frank N. Stein
Cliff Tragedy; by Eileen Dover
Even More to come, i promise!!!!
Animals
Hiking
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
Kids
2 crisps
Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers".
Misc
The Letter
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
Technology
First Condom
A young couple decide to have sex for the first time so they go to the store to buy condoms. They find a popular brand and bring it to the register. The price on the box is $1.00 but when the cashier totals up the price it comes to $1.07. The couple asks what the extra 7 cents is for. The cashier replies back "tax." Then the young man says "I was wondering what held it on.
Relationships
5 Jokes (2)
1) Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She Missed!
2) What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?
Twins!
3) Why doesn't a blonde drive a BMW?
Because she can't spell it!
4) How is a blonde the same as a bottle?
Thier both empty from the neck up!
5) Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
She missed!
Deep Thoughts
Mrs. President
If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady.
If a woman became president, what would you call her husband?
Whipped.
Relationships
Psychologist Handyman
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.
Lightbulb
Egg Fun
What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg?
You're in hot water now!!!
Puns
Two Blondes
Two blondes were sitting enjoying a view of the full moon.
The first blonde says; "I wonder which is further away? The moon or Florida?"
The second blonde replies; "Well, duh! The moon! Can you see Florida?"
Deep Thoughts
Endless Love
What's the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis!
Endless Love!
Sports
Well-Hung
How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung?
When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.
Legal
I've Done a Poo.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Idunnap.
Idunnap who?
Well, you best get to the toilet then!
(For those of you who don't understand you're meant to say, "i done a poo!")
Knock Knock
Camera
What's the difference between men and women?
Women zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button!
Relationships