The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies,
"BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Yo momma is so fat when I put her on the family tree the branch broke.
"I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll
be glad to make an exception."
-Groucho Marx
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Jack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed.
Jack replied to the Disciplinarian : Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Zero: For all blondes know, the lightbulb is still burning bright.
Q. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer.
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
Yo self-centered momma is so fat, the world really does revolve around her!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husband
and sees he has a set of golf clubs.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he replies, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"
An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been driving your car?
A: There is lipstick on the steering wheel from her blowing the horn.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Terra.
Terra who?
Terra reason you won't let me in?
What is a blonde's mating call?
NEXT!!!!!!!!
There were three babys - a blond, a redhead, and a brunet. They were fighting over who's mommy had the best bra.
The first baby says "My mom has a foam bra."
The second says "My mom has gel straps."
The blond baby says "Well, the tag on my moms bra says double D."
The blond won the fight.
This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded:
But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year!
(2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed)
The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're simply a lazy old fart."
"Thank you for your candor," said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!"
Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h.
Life is a virgin.
A bi**h would be easy.
Remember, old folks are worth a fortune; they have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so long as you don't have to go along too.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ?
A: You can't tuna fish.