Steve's Mom
Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy?
Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
Kids
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Bare Arms
Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
Puns
Natural
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde with a green stripe in her hair, walked into a barbor shop. The barbor asks where the brunette got the haircolor. She replies "Natural." He asks the red-head the same. She says, "Natural." Then he asks the blonde the same question, and she rubs the back of her hand over her nose, and on the green stripe, and says "Natural."
Bar
Corner Room
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
When she comes out and says she found it.
Misc
Blonde
How many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb.
Lightbulb
The Baby Lightbulb and His Mother
What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother?
I wuv you watts and watts!
Lightbulb
Religious Teacher
Little Katie was at Sunday school one day. The teacher asked the class "Who is someone in your life that worships God by always speaking His name?"
Little Katie raised her hand and said "The fifth grade teacher at my school! Every time we pass by her room on the way to art I hear her say "I swear to God I have the worst behaved class in the world!"
School
Boo
"Knock-Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Boo"
"Boo who?"
"Why are you crying?"
Knock Knock
Elephants & Ducks
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Animals
Bunny
One day a father and his daughter were driving down the street when the father said, "Look! A bunny. Can you say bunny, bu-nny?"
"Bunny!" the daughter replied.
They suddenly felt the car go over a bump.
Then the girl said, " Daddy, its not a bunny anymore."
"What is it then?" he asked.
The daughter replied, "Can you say roadkill, road-kill?"
Kids
Searching
It is said that "it is always in the last place you look"
Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
One Liners
Johnny...With A Big Head
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
School
GameCube
Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a GameCube was a Rubik's puzzle.
Yo Momma
Yo Mama is Like a Hockey Player
Yo mama is like a hockey player. She doesn't change her pad for three periods.
Yo Momma
A Cup of Coffee
Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!"
Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?"
Guest: "Why, filtered, of course."
Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."
Bar
User Errors
Attempting to enter a case-sensitive password with caps-lock on.
Not checking to ensure that the computer is indeed plugged in.
Clicking Yes on message boxes without reading them properly and deleting important files.
Forgetting to plug an ethernet cable into their laptop's network card when in the office.
Allowing sessions to timeout when using a web application.
Erroneous data entry.
Technology
Old Tart
Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, "Well, at least they're together at last."
The clergyman looked around. "Which of her husbands is buried here?"
"None," said the friend. "I meant, her legs."
Relationships
Tables?
Teacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan.
Joan: Dining table, kitchen table, bedside table...
Kids
Leaves
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Bar
Blond Dad
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
Dad Jokes
Laughs last
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
One Liners
Marines
Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet
interesting people and then kill them.
Misc
ATM
Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?
One Liners
BLONDES PAYBACK TIME.
For all you Blonde ladies out there.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them
Relationships