The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
72 = best score in golf.
Ever wonder why your ears are where they are?
Just think, if they were on your butt, you would have to pull down your pants to hear what I'm saying
--REDD FOXX
Can you go skinny dippin' if you're fat?
Is it possible to fight on a luv seat?
If you drink tap water can you tap dance?
by:lilpapa92
An elevator operator complained that he was getting tired of people asking him for the time.
A friend suggested that he hang a clock in his elevator.
A few weeks later, the friend inquired as to how things were going.
"Just awful!" declared the elevator operator.
"NOW, all day long, people ask me, "Is the clock right?" exclaimed the elevator operator.
The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
What are you getting so excited about?
"That guy looks like Jesus... and so does his friend.. did Jesus have a twin?"
"No, at least.. I dont think he did.. never thought about it"
"Oh, well. Twins are awesome... hey, why is Jesus walking into our school? *gasp* what if he rapes us all?! JESUS IS A PEDO!"
"Calm down, Jesus isn't a pedo, he loves kids!"
"Gee, that helps"
Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards.
"I did terrible," said Joe. "I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!"
"Me too," replied Ted.
"Well, why did you do terrible?" asked Joe.
"I forgot to bring a pencil!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Who who.
Who who who?
Is there an owl in here?
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it's pointless.
How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Pythagorean Theorem - 24 words.
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg Address - 286 words.
Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage -
26,911 words.
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill continues sleeping. Hillary shouts, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sue.
Sue who?
I'll sue you if ya don't let me in!
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted,
"My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."
A little boy asked his mother:
Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.