Nintendo
Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys.
Yo Momma
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Pool
Yo momma so fat, when she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks!
Yo Momma
Be Quiet in Mass
A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
School
Bald
Your momma's so ugly, she's not bald, it's her hair running away from her face!
Yo Momma
Ribbet
A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.
She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!"
Kids
Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words:
"The gun isn't loaded, ok?"
"Yes, I double checked."
"This fuse should give us plenty of time."
"I don't think he has a gun."
"This is a very safe neighborhood!"
"I am 100% sure of the blast radius."
One Liners
Dirty Joke
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
Puns
The Gay Bar
Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left.
One guy says "Lets flip for it"
But another says "No, Lets flip it over"
Bar
Sky News
CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News
"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr," says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."
Misc
And That Makes . . . .
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess;
If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake...
If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."
Office
Fly
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Animals
The Darkest Hours
The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
One Liners
July
Knock Knock
Who's there?
July
July who?
July like Bill Clinton
Knock Knock
Tex
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Tex
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Knock Knock
A Man Went to the Doctor...
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."
Medical
Communication
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."
"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Relationships
Managers
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Lightbulb
Boss's Joke
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, except one girl, laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
Office
The Car Race
The Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won.
However, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows â
"In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last."
(There were only two cars involved!)
Sports
Pumpkin
What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin?
A pumpkin patch!
Misc
Yes, Orange Again
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who
Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?
Knock Knock
Teacher
Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity?
Orville: Why-er....
Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?
Orville: The what?
Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.
School
Blonde Deflowering
What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity?
"So are you guys all on the same team?"
Misc
And in a Year I'll be Five.
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
School