The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to
swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.
A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have
put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for
two hardened criminals!
They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll
surely be sent to a Penal Institution.
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra.
Pupil:A reindeer.
Teacher: Good, now name another one.
Pupil: Another reindeer.
Two atoms are walking down the street when one atom says to the other, "I think I lost an electron."
The other atom says "Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm positive!"
A man walks into a bar and has a drink.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so handsome."
He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so smart and kind."
He looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on.
The bartender says, "O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Knock-Knock?
Who's There?
Ice Cream.
Ice Cream who?
I scream for Ice Cream!!
Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married."
Fruit: "I'm sorry."
Vegetable: "We could secretly get married."
Fruit: "No, we couldn't."
Vegetable: "Why?"
Fruit: "Because we can't elope."
Can't elope = cantelope
Knock knock
Who's there ?
Scold
Scold who ?
Scold out here, let me in!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Megan
Megan who?
Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
Yo moma's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear.
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his academics?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a just little crooked."
Yo momma's so fat that a car hit her and she turned around and said "Hey! Who threw that rock!"
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live."
"Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."
Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street.
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.
She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why can't you trust a blonde to call for an ambulance?
She can't find the 11 to call 911.
What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!
Announcer, at a diving competition:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is... there was no water in the pool."
The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions.
"Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake."
"I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."