The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A little boy asked his mother:
Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.
So I have this great knock knock joke for you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hello?
Hello who?
Hello?
Hello who!!?
Oh Hi?
Hey, I have this great knock knock joke for you!
Okay knock knock.
Who's there?
Hello?
Who's there!!!!!!??
The door slams.
Knock knock. Ding Dong.
Fine.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello!!!?
*peacecylone*
Famous Last Words
"Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years."
"I saw it on Jackass last night."
"My dad did it when he was a kid."
"Yes, I'm sure that the power is off."
"It'll only hurt for a couple of days."
"See, I'm not afraid of heights."
I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.
This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him,
"What's your newt's name?"
and the man replies,
"Tiny"
and the bar tender says,
"Why is he called Tiny?"
and the man replies,
"Because he is minute."
(minute means small)
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.
"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."
Yo Mama so stupid, she got fired at the M & M factory because she threw out all the W's!
Q. What animal talks the most?
A. The yak.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang "We Are Family"
What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo?
About 20 pounds!
How do you even out the difference?
Either force feed the buffalo or shave your mom.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment!
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
How do you keep a blonde busy on a rainy day?
Tell her to touch the rainbow.
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
The Perfect Breakfast:
You're sitting at the table and:
your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties....
your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ...
and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Q:What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied
Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy
Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger
Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking permit expired?
A: It got toad
There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, "your round", the other guy says, "so are you, you fat basted!"
A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug.
"Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man.
The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?"
"Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR