Yo Mama*3
Yo Mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.
Yo Momma
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
You Don't Get it
Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his house.
"Sorry, that's against the law," says the desk sergeant.
"You don't get it," says the man. "I need to know how he got in without waking my wife."
Relationships
Sanitarium 2
A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor.
He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer "We're diving into the pool".
Only one of them sits aside watching them. "I see you're not diving into the pool" the doctor says. The patient replies "I'm the lifeguard."
Medical
Best Kept Secret
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'
Food
Pirates' Money
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
Puns
Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Programming
Square
Why are the blonde's boobs square?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Misc
You Should Try To Be More Polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
Food
Library Comedy
Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read."
Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."
Kids
Panther....
Knock-knock..
Who's there?
Panther....
Panther who?
Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!
Knock Knock
The Baby Lightbulb and His Mother
What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother?
I wuv you watts and watts!
Lightbulb
Man and car
Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.
One Liners
That Settles It!
Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
Legal
The Letter
A woman was missing her boyfriend, so she decided to write him the following brief letter:
Dear Anthony,
I've been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool... nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Kathy
xoxo
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery...
Relationships
Batty Books ... final one!!! :<
A Hole in the Bucket by Lee King
Long Walk by Miss. D. Bus
The Playground by C. Saw
Fitting Carpets by Walter Wall
Around the World by Sir Cumfrence
Flexibility by Ben Dover
Bladder Controld by Idon P. Freely
Misc
So Ugly
Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application.
Yo Momma
Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words:
"The gun isn't loaded, ok?"
"Yes, I double checked."
"This fuse should give us plenty of time."
"I don't think he has a gun."
"This is a very safe neighborhood!"
"I am 100% sure of the blast radius."
One Liners
Yo Mama is So Fat
Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World.
Yo Momma
Misunderstood Warning
After class ends a 1st grader goes up to his teacher and says, "I don't mean to scare you Teacher but my parents said that if I keep getting bad grades, then..."
"Somebody's gonna get a spanking." (nodnod)
Kids
An Hour Fast
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.
"I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."
"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.
"It says you want to sleep with me," said the man.
"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."
"Hmmm," said the man, slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."
School
Redneck: Bar
You might be a redneck if your bar tab has page numbers.
Bar
Bunnies and Carrots
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts!
Animals
The Huged Handed Teacher
Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have?
Justin: Huge hands sir
School
Six years
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Fourth grade.
Misc