Mystery Writers
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.
Lightbulb
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The Absence
Mom: Why did you get a grade so low?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mom: Who, You?
Junior: No, the kid who sits right next to me.
Kids
Greatest Invention
Scientists gathered three musicians together and asked them to name the greatest invention of the 20th century. The guitarist said the "wah-wah pedal" was the greatest invention.
After that, they asked the drummer and he said the "bass pedal" was the greatest invention.
Then finally, when asking the bass player, he said the "Stanley thermos" was the greatest invention.
Confused, they asked him how he figured that, and he said:
"Hot or cold how does it know, HOW DOES IT KNOW!?!?!?!"
Technology
Great Bird
And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.
Technology
Government vs. Men
What is the difference between men and
government bonds?
The bonds mature. Eventually.
Relationships
Police
Kock-knock.
Who's there?
Please.
Please who?
It's the police! Open the door!
Knock Knock
Swen
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Swen.
Swen who?
Swen are you going let me in!?
Knock Knock
Joe
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Jo mama
Knock Knock
Dads Head
Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
Dad Jokes
Germs!
A father asked his son: "Why do you take the medicine before it's time? "
The son answered:" To surprise the germs! "
Kids
Spare Keys
One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.
"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.
"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.
"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"
Relationships
One Summer Evening...
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
Relationships
Falling Hair
Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?"
Doctor: "A shoebox!"
Medical
If You Had 50 Cents
A teacher asks a first grader a simple math question.
TEACHER:" If you had 50 cents in one pocket, and you asked you dad for another 50 cents, how much would you have?"
STUDENT:"50 cents."
TEACHER: "You obviously don't know how to add."
STUDENT: "You obviously don't know my dad!"
Kids
She So Fat
Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.
One Liners
I Am What I Am
A boy comes home from school and runs to his father. The boy says 'Dad, a boy in my class calls me a gay' . 'Oh yeah? Well then beat him up!' says his dad. The boy replies 'I can't dad!'. 'Why not son?'. The boy looking away says 'Because he's kinda cute'
Dad Jokes
Nobody
Nobody's perfect-I'm a nobody.
One Liners
BMWs & Porcupines
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Animals
Wedding Rehearsal
At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
Relationships
Dolphins
A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls.
One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for...
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!
Puns
What Do You Get...
what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN?
All the information you want, but you can't understand it!
Legal
Doorway
Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate.
Yo Momma
Dinner Troubles
A man and a woman are having an intimate dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the man quietly slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."
Relationships
I Am Going to Shop
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."
Relationships