The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?"
"Ya," says the kid.
"Well, it doesn't," says the dad.
"So what is money made out of, Dad?"
"Paper," the dad says.
"And what is paper made out of?"
"Shut up."
See if you can do this: Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
Your dad has something wrong with his brain. After his appointment, the doctor says,"You have a spider, a termite, a pig, a cloud, a piece of poo, a tongue, and a camera in your brain so you'll have to have no brain for years." Then the doctor took operation on his brain.
Q. What animal talks the most?
A. The yak.
99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.
Did you have cookie for lunch? 'Cuz your face is kinda krummy.
"Knock-Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Boo"
"Boo who?"
"Why are you crying?"
Three ants went to the beach to swim.
Two jumped directly in the water.
The other went back home and after an hour returned.
Why?
She forgot her swimming suit!!
Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school?
Joey: 97.
Teacher: 97?
Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.
The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones.
Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time.
The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps.
The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A dumb blonde, smart blonde, santa clause, and the tooth fairy are walking on the sidewalk together. One of them steps on a five dollar bill. Who picks it up?
Answer
no one!! three of them don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Yo mama so old that when I told her to act her age, she died!
Q: What does a fish use to get high?
A: Seaweed!
Recently I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food; Eat for the health of it; and Support organic farmers."
The car was in front of me at a McDonalds drive-through.
A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug.
"Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man.
The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?"
"Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"
In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he
waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and
said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is
it?" "It's called the door!"
Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school?
It wasn't very bright.
The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members.
Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.