The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Little johnny was going to school.
Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he said.
"Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else."
"Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy."
"You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small."
"I want candy."
"Ok kid here you go; infinite candy."
"Cool, thank you."
"Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day."
"But I still have 3 wishes.."
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
-Dave Barry
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of
the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" asks the puzzled manager.
"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
One day Bob (a boy) went to Sally (a beautiful girl). Bob told her, "Sal, Jack (a boy) wants you."
She replied, "I know."
They stand in silence for a while.
Bob finally said, "I mean he needs your help."
"Oh."
Knock-Knock
Who's there
Icee
Icee who
I see you in there now let me in!
What is Beethoven doing today?
-Decomposing.
My brother and I were sitting at the computer reading the daily teaser from the past week. I read the last one (April 30th 2006) and my sister(who is a blonde) walks in to get a drink. I'm reading a line that says:"But, madam!", replied the bellman, and my sister walks up behind me and says "What did you call me?!" and I say, "Well I didn't call you any thing. I was reading this joke and she says, "Oh well I thought you were calling me a damn bitch!"
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That is what their students are for.
First, you get a little hoarse.
Then, you get a little buggy.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is:
-You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses.
But, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies:
-You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self!
In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."
Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies...
One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Rita
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something!
Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair?
Turn it upside down!