A Man Inserted...
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Relationships
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Forget
Rich and Kim, a couple, were in a room when Kim asked Rich if he would ever forget her. He replied that he would never forget her. Then she said, "Knock-knock!" and, of course, Rich said, "Who's there?" "See!" she exclaimed sulkily. "You have forgotten already."
Knock Knock
Phone Call
The phone call...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"
And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Relationships
YOO
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Yoo who?
No thanks.
Knock Knock
Putt, Drag, Putt, Drag, Putt.....
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
Sports
Whats Black and White...
What's black and white and played all over?
Black and White (the computer game)
Puns
Little Girl
A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood.
Later that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, "Why did you go into the boys' bathroom?" She answered, "The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not."
Kids
Hellen Keller
How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her???
rearranging her furniture.
Kids
Lawyers Robbed
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $50 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!"
Legal
A = b B = c A = c
a = b, b = c, a = c.
Math Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter.
School
Skateboard
A blonde, a red head and a brunette are all skateboarding and bragging about their best tricks.
The brunette says, "I can do a double impossible and a misty." The red head says, "Thats nothing. I can do a 1080 flip off a quarter pipe, then do a double double and land it without falling". Then the blonde says, "I dont know what the big deal is with all of you guys, I can do all those with no hands!"
Sports
Jesus Online
If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world.
Programming
Blood
Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.
Yo Momma
I'm Glad My Name is Amanda
A blonde girl comes into her dad's room and tells her dad...
Amanda: Dad, I'm glad you named me Amanda.
Dad: Why?
Amanda: It's because that's what everyone calls me!
Dad Jokes
How Man Was Created
When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, "What shall I do with this extra breast?" And God created Adam.
Misc
2 Things I Find Ironic in Sports
1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman.
2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.
Sports
Golf is Like...
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously, it won't work -- and both are expensive.
Sports
Differences
Girls are in the shower for at least an hour.
Incredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes.
Very beautiful girls are seldom intelligent.
Even blond guys have some brains.
Married women marry hoping their guy will change.
Every man marries hoping their wife wont change.
Pretty girls can usually get what they want.
Unlike good looking guys who still have to suffer.
Some girls are actually great relationship material.
Some guys cant find those girls.
Relationships
Good News/Bad News
Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane
Good news: He had a parachute
Bad news: The parachute didn't work
Good news: There was a haystack beneath him
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack
Good news: He missed the pitchfork
Bad news: He missed the haystack
Misc
Hockey
What do you call a Canadian fire?
A Calgary Flame.
Sports
Counting
Little Tommy ran to his dad and said "Daddy, daddy! Watch me count."
Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. "One, two, three, four, five."
"Good!" his dad exclaimed. "Can you count higher?"
Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head.
"One, two, three, four, five..."
Kids
Started Walking. . .
One to his friend:
"My little brother started walking last week!"
The other friend:
"Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!"
Kids
Ice Cream
Knock-Knock?
Who's There?
Ice Cream.
Ice Cream who?
I scream for Ice Cream!!
Knock Knock
The Self Screwers
How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!
Lightbulb