Butter
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
90210
Yo momma is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 is when she stepped on the bathroom scale!
Yo Momma
Doctor! Doctor!
"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"
Medical
Operation
One night a man and his wife were lying in bed and she was complaining that his penis was small and asked why he didn't do something about it.
The next night thay were in bed and she reached between his legs and gasped, "How did it get so big?"
Husband said, "Simple, I went to the hospital and had an operation."
The wife replied, "What kind of operation?"
The husband said, "I had an addadicktome!"
Medical
How Many Dominicans?
How many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one
Lightbulb
Jazz Musicians
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it!
Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.
Lightbulb
Submarine
Did you hear about the blond who tried to hijack a submarine?
She demanded $100,000 and a parachute.
Misc
Little Pigs Treat
Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."
Food
Women and Toys
A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
One Liners
Always Remember
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
One Liners
WATER TO WINE
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Food
Roses are Red
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I thought I was stupid,
Then I met you!
Misc
Do You Have Any Corn?
One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any corn?" and the bartender says, "No, we only sell beer."
The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, "Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!"
The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartender says, "No," so the man says, "Do you have any corn?"
Bar
I Wish...
I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon!
But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...
Kids
Batty Books
Ghost Stories by I.C. Spooks
Rocket to the sun by R.U.Nuts
Your Book of Glamour by Q.T Pie
The Camel Ride by Major Bum - issore
How to Grow Shorter by Neil Down
How to Grow Taller by Stan Dup
One Liners
Mugged
Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
Misc
Work
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bach!
Bach who?
Bach to work!
Knock Knock
Cow
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly! Cows go moo!
Knock Knock
Hawaii Hockey
As is known, there is a large leper colony in Hawaii. To help ease the pain the patients have while there, a hockey rink was built to provide them entertainment. Only problem was that only one game ever got played on the rink. Within two minutes of game time, there was a face off in the corner.
Sports
Black Market Drugs
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.
The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
Puns
Bad And Worst News
A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband.
She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,"I have bad news, and worse news."
The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first.
The doctor replies,"The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live."
The woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news.
The Doctor now replies,"The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Medical
Slide Show
True Story:
My aunt and her son were coming to our house to view an old slide show of London. Currently, my aunt has grey hair. In the slides she had black hair. My dad tells my cousin, "See, your mother doesn't look old here." He replies, "Well, you can also see when the Hampton Court Palace was new."
Dad Jokes
Idiots Today
The idiots we have today.
They're so stupid they make turkeys seem smart.
They even make sponges seem smarter.
Misc
5 Jokes
1) How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it!
2) How does a blonde kill a bird?
She throws it off a cliff!
3) How does a blonde lose 5 pounds?
She takes off her make up!
4) Why does a blonde wash her hair in the sink?
Because thats where you wash vegetables!
5) What did the blonde think of her new computer?
She couldn't get channel 9!
Programming