Skin and Bones
Why don't skeletons ever play music at church?
Because they don't have any organs!
Puns
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Belly Buttons Explained
Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -"
Technology
Baseball Game
A woman was watching her son pitch in a little league baseball. He wasn't very good, walking all of the batters that came up to bat, but after every pitch, the mom was yelling wildy and cheering her wonderful son on. Because of all the batters he had walked, the score was 14-0 in the 1st inning. Finally, one little boy came up, hit a grounder, and made it safely to first. "Dang it," the mother muttered, "there goes his no-hitter."
Sports
Letters to a landlord
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Relationships
Estelle
Knock-knock?
Who's there?
Estelle.
Estelle Who?
Estelle am waiting for you to open this door!
Knock Knock
So Poor
Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, "Lord thank us, we have food!"
Yo Momma
How You Can Tell Your A Redneck..
You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand.
Relationships
Veggie Pizza
A blond goes into a pizza shop for a snack. She orders, "May I have a veggie pizza slice with all the works?"
The worker says, "That would be our combo pizza."
The blond says, "No, thanks. I'll stay with the veggie slice."
Food
Calming Your Son
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
Relationships
Think About This...
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Deep Thoughts
Petty Girl
This truly happened in an advanced oral English classroom:
When the teacher asked the students: "What surprised you most in Tsinghua?"
One of them answered, "Well, I'd heard that girls in Tsinghua were terribly ugly before I came here. However, when I arrived here myself, I was surprised to find
there's so many pretty girls, some of them are even sexy......"
At that, all girls in the room smiled shyly. Then he continued, "But when the holiday was over, I found all of them had gone!"
School
A new Person in Prison
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Food
Limerick
There was an old man from Purdue
whose limericks stopped on line two.
Misc
The Ladder of Success
Harry and his neighbour Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.
Joe said, "Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son."
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's."
Dad Jokes
Fun Fun Fun
Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle.
Yo Momma
Blonde
How many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb.
Lightbulb
No One
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.
No one who?
No one to tell you who's here!
Knock Knock
A Blonde was Playing...
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Misc
Bus
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."
Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
"Will it take ME?"
Technology
Pepsi Challenge
Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo Momma
Things You Don't Like
They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do.
Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!
One Liners
I Am Your FATHER!
Lady on telephone: "Hello sir, I want to meet & talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids."
Guy (stunned!):
Are you Sandra?
No.
Jenny?
No.
Amy?
No.
Betty?
No.
Lady (in confusion):
"No sir, I'm your son's class teacher."
School
Bad Knock-Knock Joke
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Who!
Who who?
You must have the stammers!
Knock Knock
Well...
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Well Water
Well Water Who?
Well Water You Waiting For? Open The Door And Let Me IN!!!!!!
Knock Knock