Hillbilly Divorce
Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court.
The ex-wife is crying her eyes out.
Her ex-husband comes over and says:
"There, there Missy, you're still my sister!"
Legal
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
40th anniversary
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'"
Relationships
Punk and Old Man.
A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring.
The punk gets mad turns around and says, "Hey old man, what are you looking at?"
The old man says, "Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."
Bar
Wrong Joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
Bar
Spell it
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L."
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
School
A Guy Falls Asleep...
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Medical
Old
Yo mama so old that when I told her to act her age, she died!
Yo Momma
Black Market Drugs
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.
The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
Puns
Terrorist School
"I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus."
"Well done! A+"
School
Good Egg
Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart?
You can't beat a good fart!
Medical
Zen
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
One Liners
As Small As a Mouse
The doctors were talking about their work.
"I had great success with one of my patients," said the first doctor. "When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse."
"And you cured him?" the second docter asked.
"I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small," the first docter said, "He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him."
"What happened?"
"It was an accident," the doctor sighed sadly, "A pussy cat ate him."
Medical
Copperwire
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Legal
Cannibal
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was caught buttering up his teacher
Puns
Betting
"I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000." Tommy told Rob.
"Hey, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?" Rob exclaimed.
"No Man, I bet Rs 500 on that match." Tommy replied.
"So, what happened to the other Rs 500?" Rob asked.
"My Friend, I bet on the highlights too." Tommy replied.
Sports
Yo Mama is So Fat
Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World.
Yo Momma
I Hit Two...
A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
Sports
Offender
Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?"
Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
Office
Hatch
Knock-Knock
Who's There
Hatch
Hatch Who?
God Bless You.
Knock Knock
A Greater Insult
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole."
Legal
Watcher
Yo momma so fat, she made weight watchers go blind!
Yo Momma
Racing Cabbage
If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win?
The cabbage, because it's a head.
Puns
Viagra Now Available...
Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name "Mydixadrill."
Now when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.
Medical
Compliments
A man walks into a bar and has a drink.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so handsome."
He looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again.
Then he hears a tiny voice say, "You are so smart and kind."
He looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on.
The bartender says, "O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
Bar