Bulldog
Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?
A. You get Bullshit.
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Hairy Butt
There once was a women who bought a new house but didn't know what to name it. So she stuck her head out the window and heard Hairy Butt! So she decided to name the house Hairy Butt. Then sometime later she had a baby boy but didn't know what to name it, so she stuck her head out the window and heard the word Crack, so she named her son Crack. The next day she lost her son so she called the police and said "Help! I looked all over my Hairy Butt but I can't find my little Crack.
Technology
Black Eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay; how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back."
Relationships
Computer
How do you tell that a blonde has been at a computer?
There is lipstick on the joy stick!
Programming
Grab the Nuts
Daddy: Get the Nuts son
Bobby: Yes Dad
Daddy: Ouch!
Dad Jokes
Constipated
Two friends were talking.
The first one said to the other, "Hey, have you seen the movie, "Constipated" yet?"
The other replied, "Of course not! It hasn't come out yet."
Technology
Golden
Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.
One Liners
Arithmetic
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.
Kids
What Hoppened?
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money."
The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
Legal
Grandma
Little johnny was heard praying in a loud voice a week before his birthday.
"Dear God I pray that I will get a computer game for my birthday!"
"Why are you shouting" asked his mother "God isn't deaf?!?!?!?!?"
"I know said Johnny, but grandma is!"
Kids
Bush's Bills
President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.
"What is it now?" sighs the president.
"It's this abortion bill," replies the aide. "What do you want to do about it?"
"Go ahead and pay it," says the president.
Office
Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
Office
Beware Of What You Say
A computer teacher who doesn't speak good english tells his student "Paul open the window let the Air Force Come."
At another time the same teacher and his wife sees one of his students in mall. The next day the teacher says to the student "Tim, yesterday I saw you with my wife at the mall."
Programming
A big tip
Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.
Said the first man "I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me."
"That's nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."
Food
Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage
Love Marriage: Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.
Arranged Marriage: Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!
Arranged Marriage is like Unix..boring n colorless... still extremely reliable n robust.
Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive........ yet one never knows when it will crash........
Relationships
Lesson in Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Kids
I'm Glad My Name is Amanda
A blonde girl comes into her dad's room and tells her dad...
Amanda: Dad, I'm glad you named me Amanda.
Dad: Why?
Amanda: It's because that's what everyone calls me!
Dad Jokes
Tight Skirt
Why does a blond wear a tight skirt?
To keep her legs closed
Deep Thoughts
Government vs. Men
What is the difference between men and
government bonds?
The bonds mature. Eventually.
Relationships
PaintRoller
Yo momma so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo Momma
Children and Cars
Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children
Kids
More Prayers
And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
Misc
Eileen
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Eileen.
Eileen who?
Eileen on the door until you open it
Knock Knock
Blond and Grenades
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!
Misc