Knocking?
Knock-Knock
Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell.
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
What's Her Name
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."
Relationships
Concrete Wall
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
Animals
Wet
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wet.
Wet who?
Wet me in! It's waining!
Knock Knock
At The Airport
Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport.
"Where are you flying to?", the woman on the right asked.
With an attitude, the other replied "You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'".
"Ok", said the woman on the right. "Where are you flying to, bitch?"
Misc
Maths
The number you have dialed is imaginary.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
Kids
Money on Trees?
So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?"
"Ya," says the kid.
"Well, it doesn't," says the dad.
"So what is money made out of, Dad?"
"Paper," the dad says.
"And what is paper made out of?"
"Shut up."
Dad Jokes
Headline
Actual Newspaper Headline:
Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.
One Liners
Diet Tips
1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner
2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out.
4: Life's short, eat dessert first.
Bar
Band
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5... 1 to try and fail, 3 to stand around and pretend to be musicians, and 1 to actually do it right.
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3... 1 to do it, and 2 to say they can do it better.
How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2... 1 to crush the lightbulb, and the other to fight about it.
Lightbulb
Lost Fortune
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Relationships
34...34...34...
A brunette was walking down the middle of the street, saying "34...34...34" over and over again. A blonde stopped her and asked why she was doing that.
"Oh, it's great fun," replied the brunette. "You should try it".
So the blonde walked down the street repeating "34...34...34..." when all of a sudden a car sped by and ran her over.
The brunette then started walking down the road again, saying "35...35...35..."
Misc
For the Road
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Puns
Cats On The Phone
What did the cat say to the other cat on the phone?
Can you hear me-ow?
Animals
Actual Headline#2
An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
One Liners
Computer vs. Air Conditioner
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work!
Technology
Oximoron
Q: What do you call an oxymoron?
A: A smart blonde!
Misc
Bar Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Bar
Ladies and Little People!
Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies?
A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.
One Liners
What is This?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Puns
Ugly Baby
I was soooo ugly when I was born that my mum got morning sickness after I was born.
The doctor came in to the waiting room after I was born and told my dad, "We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I've never been able to understand why my bath toys were a radio and a toaster.
And when I play in the sandpit, the cat always covers me up.
Kids
The Bright Side
Jack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed.
Jack replied to the Disciplinarian : Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.
Kids
Knock-Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
I don't know, but stop your crying!
Knock Knock
Formal Wear
Why do lawyers always wear a tie?
To keep back the foreskin.
Legal