Fast Food Frog
Question:
What did the frog order at McDonald's?
Answer:
An order of french flies and a diet croak!!
Puns
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Hard Math Problem
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna figure this out?
Knock Knock
So Fat
Yo Mama's so fat, she didn't have a birth certificate, she had a blueprint!
Yo Momma
BLONDES PAYBACK TIME.
For all you Blonde ladies out there.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them
Relationships
STDs are deadly!
Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie, the bartender, "Where's Beverly, the waitress?"
"She's dead," replied the bartender.
"Dead?" asked Bill.
"She died from herpes," said the bartender.
Bill replied, "You don't die from herpes."
"You do if you give it to Big Louie!" said the bartender.
Bar
An Irish Man
An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
Bar
The Dress of Love!
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."
Relationships
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
Kids
Can You Help Me?
PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough."
DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled."
PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?"
DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."
Medical
More Clinton
What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business?
The Oral Office.
Puns
Stop!
An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign.
When the driver was told this, he replied, "But it says STOP, not STAY!"
Office
Doctor Doctor!!!
"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
Medical
Astounding Discovery
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
Technology
Forget
Rich and Kim, a couple, were in a room when Kim asked Rich if he would ever forget her. He replied that he would never forget her. Then she said, "Knock-knock!" and, of course, Rich said, "Who's there?" "See!" she exclaimed sulkily. "You have forgotten already."
Knock Knock
34...34...34...
A brunette was walking down the middle of the street, saying "34...34...34" over and over again. A blonde stopped her and asked why she was doing that.
"Oh, it's great fun," replied the brunette. "You should try it".
So the blonde walked down the street repeating "34...34...34..." when all of a sudden a car sped by and ran her over.
The brunette then started walking down the road again, saying "35...35...35..."
Food
Smart Teacher
The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
Kids
How do you know?
Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed
Animals
Bald
Your momma's so ugly, she's not bald, it's her hair running away from her face!
Yo Momma
Stew
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Stew
Stew who?
Stew cold out here, let me in!
Knock Knock
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Animals
Your Dad Did WHAT?
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the navy kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
Dad Jokes
How to Make Your Parents Seem Senile
(especially if you do this in public)
Child: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
Parent: Yes, of course.
Child: I mean something REALLY bad.
Parent: Of course...
Child: No, I mean something REALLY really bad.
Parent: No...
Child: No, really. Something REALLY really really-
Parent: ALL RIGHT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!???111///111///111///111///
Child: (Innocently) Nothing, why?
Kids
Heaven
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Bar
Opera
Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
One Liners