Skeleton
The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
Bar
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Bear Attack
Two guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers.
The second guys goes, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!"
The first guy replies, "I dont need to; I only have to outrun you."
Misc
What Do You Call.....
What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field?
2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers
Sports
Blow in the Ear
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
Thank you for the refill.
Misc
Yesterday For IT People
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Technology
Blonde's Computer Freezes
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.
Programming
Waterproof
You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!
One Liners
Nudist Colony
Two men were sitting by the swimming pool at a nudist colony when they noticed a beautiful young woman walking towards the pool. Her tan lines traced the outline of a tiny bathing suit with elaborately criss-crossed straps across the back.
"I'll bet she looks great in that suit," one of the men said wistfully.
Relationships
My Smartphone
I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.
Technology
An Elderly Woman Died...
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
Relationships
Quarter Back
Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back!
Sports
NO SWIMMING
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
Relationships
Eyes
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!
Puns
What Sport?
What is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T?
Golf.
(Golf starts with a tee!)
Sports
The Fibonacci Sequence
The Fibonacci sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21... starts with two 1's, and each term afterward is the sum of its two predecessors.
Which one of the ten digits is the last to appear in the units position of a number in the Fibonacci sequence?
Just write out their units digits, and mark the digits that appear for the first time.
(1), 1, (2), (3), (5), (8), 3, 1, (4), 5, (9), 4, 3, (7), (0), ...
Therefore, 6 is the last to appear.
Technology
Insomnia
I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.
One Liners
Overly Suspicious
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Relationships
Complex
"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."
One Liners
The Ugliest Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off; go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Misc
Weight
Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds.
Yo Momma
DEAD! THEY'RE ALL DEAD! Must Read Before YOU Die!
wocka is dead. no one comments anymore. no one submits jokes anymore.
Can someone fix these glitches?-
-when I write a comment and click on submit, half the time, the comment is not posted no matter how many times I try to re-post.
-Even if I select "show all" for the full comments list, the hidden comments dont show up. wtf?
I'm sorry this IS the only way I can get some attention since the forum is a ghost town.
Technology
Pool Fire
What is more stupid then a brunette trying to start a fire in a pool?
A blonde trying to put it out.
Misc
Playstation
Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.
Yo Momma
Horror Movie
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?
Legal