The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A guy eats at a restaurant.
At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:
Salads . . . . . . $3
Steak . . . . . . $10
Works . . . . . . .$5
Cola . . . . . . . $2
-----------------------
Total $20
The customer asked the waiter "What's 'works'?"
"This time it didn't work" said the waiter and crossed out that row.
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, 'Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!'
'No. You had your chance.'
A minute later the boy screamed 'Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?'
'No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.'
'Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?'
Indian chief addressing the tribe says: "I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo."
Save a tree, eat a beaver!!
A man walks in to an auto store and asks the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. The blonde says,"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."
How are women and a tornado alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Yo daddy so bald he has to have holes in his pocket to finger through his hair.
A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth," lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
What is the difference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trousers and Superman wears it over the
trousers.
Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
The Esther Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella nother Esther Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa.
Samoa who?
Samoa Esther Bunnies.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these Esther Bunnies?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther anyone else as sick of this joke as I am?
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches down, pulls out a knife, and lunges at the man.
The man backs away and yells "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" replies the pharmacist.
The man says, "No I don't, you jerk; but my wife out in the car still does!"
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey?
George W. Bush
A boy comes home from school and runs to his father. The boy says 'Dad, a boy in my class calls me a gay' . 'Oh yeah? Well then beat him up!' says his dad. The boy replies 'I can't dad!'. 'Why not son?'. The boy looking away says 'Because he's kinda cute'
Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?"
Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"
Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next?
Johnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?'
This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?"
The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"Â
Â
The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.
Mother to teenage daughter:
"The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."
What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant?
Her Legs