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Knock knock
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Mayonaise
Mayonaise who?
Mayonaise a lot of jokes on this website.
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Books Never Written
Here are some books that should never be written:
Workaholism, by Anita Dayoff
Never Say Goodbye, by C.U. Latta
Crowd Control, by General Panic
Amazing Facts, by G. Willikers
The Last Supper, by M.T. Potts
Fast Food, by Eaton Run
The Bee Hive, by I. Ben Stung
Turn Off The Light, by Les Watts
Cattle Ranching, by Brandon D. Bull
Bullfighting Mistakes, by Gordon Bluddy
Puns
Late Tee Off
"Your late teeing off, Fred."
"Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf"
"But why are you so late?"
"I had to toss for it fifteen times!"
Sports
Change
One day, a teen went to the docter, and said: "DOCTOR! Whenever I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!" The docter replies, "Drink lots of water, and keep your feet elevated." The next week, the teen comes back and says that dimes come out. The doctor says the same thing. Next week, he says that quarters are coming. Then half dollars. The doctor finally replies, "You're at the time where you go through change."
Medical
Speeding
A blonde is speeding down a deserted street when she is pulled over by a police officer.
The officer very politely requests to see the blondes license.
The blonde very indignant replies, "You know what? I'm getting tired of you cops. You just can't make up your mind. Last week you took away my license, and now you want me to show it to you?"
Office
Blondes Head
What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut?
She's trying to hold onto a thought.
Misc
Bad Taste
One day, 15 year old Christy came home from shopping with her Auntie Kim and Auntie Flo.
Christy says to her 6 year old sister, "Auntie Kim has bad taste, but Auntie Flo has good taste."
Her sister then says, "How do you know? Have you bitten them before?"
Kids
Two Elderly Ladies...
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get frisky?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first woman asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Relationships
Security Breach
They had quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. Apparently, President Obama was meeting with some potential cabinet nominees and someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before.
Turns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright.
- Jay Leno
Office
Still More Clinton
How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy?
He just keeps on plugging away.
Puns
Lights
How many blondes does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
three:
one to unscrew it
one to buy a new lightbulb
one to call her boyfriend to screw it back in.
Relationships
Doctor's Orders
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Medical
Blow in the Ear
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
Thank you for the refill.
Misc
I Am Going to Shop
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."
Relationships
President's Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" the President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Office
Hopscotch
Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this:
"Washington, California..."
Yo Momma
New Sex Study
It has been determined.
The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Animals
Twinkies
I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
One Liners
Virginia
Her name was Virginia. They called her Virgin for short, but not for long!
One Liners
Oscar
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Oscar
Oscar who?
Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer!
Knock Knock
Who Am I?
Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips?
Answer: A liar.
Misc
Dog Ugly
If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!
Yo Momma
English Lecture
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
School
CNN Found...
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
- Jay Leno
Food