Cow U.
What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'?
The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.
Sports
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The Fisherman's Tail
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.
On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"
Sports
Dog vs. Husband
Q:What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Relationships
Grey poupon
A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche.
He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?"
"I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds."
Relationships
NASCAR
What does NASCAR stand for?
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
Sports
Trust the Doctor
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Medical
I Like To..
Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted"
Bar
Rabbit
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
Puns
Do You Have Any Corn?
One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any corn?" and the bartender says, "No, we only sell beer."
The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, "Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!"
The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartender says, "No," so the man says, "Do you have any corn?"
Bar
Chicken
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Animals
Grand Theft Auto
Why did the blonde steal a parked police car?
She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)
Misc
Psychic Frog Hotline
A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future.
"You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic.
"This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?"
"No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."
Animals
Good To Know
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"
School
Sick Bucket
Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?
A: It becomes a little pale.
Puns
What's The Difference?
What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Legal
Where Do They Go?
Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick?
A. To the He-He-Mergency room!
Medical
What Are The Odds?
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
Legal
Trip to Hawaii
"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor.
"He went twice!"
Relationships
Skydiving Lawyers
What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?
Skeet
Legal
White Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So then why is the groom wearing black?"
Kids
Poetic Meter
A decrepit old gas man named Peter
While hunting around for the meter
His torch he did light
He arose out of sight
And, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter!
Misc
Why are Married Women...
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Relationships
Blondes and Lightbulbs Don't
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Zero: For all blondes know, the lightbulb is still burning bright.
Lightbulb
Reading the Bible
"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.
Dad Jokes