The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!
Navy dentist's licence plate: TOP GUM
A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.
One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He does not see the sign, so he gets out of his car, and crosses the road to pull the lever. But, on his way there, he was run over by the car, and was never to be seen again.
The moral of the story?
Better Nate Than Lever!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sue.
Sue who?
I'll sue you if ya don't let me in!
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.
How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to be the cunsultant.
One to be the labor manager.
Two to hire people.
Four to actually screw in the lightbulb.
Five to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors.
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb!
As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!"
Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.
An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?"
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Yo mama's so fat, her Inuit name is Denali!
Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch?
Her blinker was on.
Q. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer.
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy door even open?
As is known, there is a large leper colony in Hawaii. To help ease the pain the patients have while there, a hockey rink was built to provide them entertainment. Only problem was that only one game ever got played on the rink. Within two minutes of game time, there was a face off in the corner.
A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!"
But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother."