The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A 6 year old was in a car with her parents. She kept having sneezing fits, and she kept splattering snot all over the seats. Eventually, the Mum and Dad gave up on trying to stop the sneezing, and told the little girl to put her hands up when she sneezed. The little girl did so, raising her hands above her head, and sneezed on the Mum's face!!
One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.
"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.
"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.
"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"
If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat?
Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?" Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around."
A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."
Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.
Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the crap outta the dog.
From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930):
Keep the clock and altimeter wound up.
Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded.
Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows.
Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.
Actual Newspaper Headline:
Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,
NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
Basketball hoops are like misdemeanor. The more I miss it da meanor I get.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?"
The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood".
The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood.
The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?"
The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."
Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet!
Dad: That took you 5 yaars!
Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!
How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her???
rearranging her furniture.
One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.
When he asked, the man said, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight."
The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.
"Well, I'll tell you," replied the man, "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this here sack I'll give them both to you."
After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning?" the officer asked.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who would be giving this lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," the guy replied.
Mr. Bean: (crying) "The doctor called, Mom's dead."
Friend: "Condolence, my friend."
After receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: "What now?"
Mr. Bean: "My sister just called, her mom died too!"
If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
Q. What do you call a blond, redneck lawyer?
A. Yo Momma!
Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.