Difference Between Teacher And...
What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains?
The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.
School
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
How Many Telemarketers...
Q. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.
Lightbulb
Death Threats
This really happened (honest!)
A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out."
Really, how stupid can you get?
Legal
Baseball
The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
One Liners
Mad Cloud Disease
A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond.
Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.
Puns
My Doctor . . .
My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
Medical
Oh, No, Not Me!
The boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...at which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."
Office
Hotdog
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Bar
Trees
A little boy and his older sister were building paper airplanes when his sister said, "We should stop building planes now and play with the ones we've got. We don't need to waste any more paper."
"Why?"
"Because if we use too much paper we'll lose all the trees, and everyone will die.."
"Because we don't have any paper?"
Kids
What Time Do You Call This?
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he wouldn't have made it."
Office
So... fat
Yo momma is so fat that she is on both sides of the family!
Yo Momma
BRRRR....
Why did the computer get sick?
He left his windows open
Technology
Who am I?
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Kids
Oops
A nurse was giving a patient a check up and came to the task of taking his temperature. So the patient came in and she told him to take his pants and boxers off so he hesitantly did so. She then put somthing in his butt. She had some time, so she went to the bank and was going to withdraw some cash. As she went to get her pen to sign the reciept, she took out the rectal themometer.
Medical
Roulette
The beautiful, vain blonde was visiting Las Vegas for the first time. She approached the roulette wheel, but it looked very confusing.
"How should I bet?" she asked the man standing beside her.
"Try betting your age," he suggested.
So the blonde put $500 on the number 32. The ball landed on 36, and the blonde promptly fainted.
Misc
Sex Change
What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change?
An adadictomy
(add-a-dick-to-me)
Medical
Johnny's in Trouble. . .again!
Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next?
Johnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?'
School
Still More Clinton
Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study?
He wants to show them his executive branch.
Puns
Revenge!
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
Legal
Shower
Yo mama so skinny she had to run arround the shower to get wet.
Yo Momma
Blonde on the Road
A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: "Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!" So the blonde says, "Only one? They all are!"
Misc
Pope's Crossword Puzzle
A man was sitting next to the Pope on a cross-country flight. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He turned to the man and asked "Do you know a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"
The man thought for a minute and said "Aunt."
"Oh yes, of course," the Pope replied. "Do you have an eraser?"
Relationships
Jumping Cow
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction.
Animals
The Animal Loan
Q: What do you call it, when a bison gets a loan?
A: A Buffa-loan!
Animals