Poetic Meter
A decrepit old gas man named Peter
While hunting around for the meter
His torch he did light
He arose out of sight
And, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter!
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered...
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Bar
Prankster
Knock knock
Who's there?
*silence*
Knock Knock
Car Trouble
What does it mean when a blonde is saying,
"yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no?"
She's testing if her brunette friend's turn signal is working!
Misc
Navy Dentist
Navy dentist's licence plate: TOP GUM
One Liners
Washing Hands
Saddam and an American were in the bathroom peeing in the urinals. When the American was done, he was going to leave without washing his hands.
Saddam said, "You know, I learned to wash my hands."
The American replied, "Well, I learned not to pee on my hands."
Technology
President
Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office?
She couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in.
Office
Pressure
Q: Why do women fart less than men?
A: Because they won't shut up long enough to
build up pressure.
One Liners
Surveys & Contests
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Programming
Burger King Does The Dairy Queen
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap the "Whopper"!!!
Technology
The Pregnant Women
There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don't worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was an idiot. The doctor said the girl's name is Denice. The pregnant women said, "Maybe my brother is not such an idiot." Then the docter said that the boy's name is "da nephew".
Medical
Smoking - No No!!
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE!
I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.
Office
Online Banking
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.
"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."
Technology
Changing Diapers
After they'd brought their first baby home from the hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."
The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. "Oh," he replied finally. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Relationships
Maths 69
Maths teacher asks a blonde girl what comes after 69?" Essex girl replies "you wash your face and rinse your mouth DUH...!"
School
Horse Breeder
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
Puns
Abbott
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Abbott.
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
DARE
DARE, to keep cops off donuts
One Liners
More idiots
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Keep scrolling down!
Not far now!
Keep going!
Solve this problem while you wait for the answer to pop up.
6!
Not enough? Solve this!
(Pi)!
The answer will pop up shortly...
Whoops, there was a mistake. Go back to the 2nd line.
Technology
Cat Dictionary
A cat's dictionary.
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human Being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
Animals
More Clinton
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
Puns
Bridge
'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.'
'What on earth's come over you?'
'Well a car,a bike.....'
Medical
Walking
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
One Liners
Cellular Phone
One time, when there was a hope for mankind, some blonds appeared in front of a judge. The judge said, "You can either have world peace or keep your cellular phones and get electrocuted."
So the blond takes out her cellular phone and the judge says; "What are you doing?" and she simply says; "Im phoning a friend."
Now I'm not sure what happened after that because no one saw this blond ever again!
Legal