Dwayne
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning.
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Write This One Down
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it's pointless.
Knock Knock
Cross-Country
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
One Liners
Deaf
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Deaf person.
Deaf person who?
Sorry, can't hear you.
Knock Knock
The Morning After Their Honeymoon...
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
Relationships
Stuffed Lion
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."
Animals
You!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You!
You who?
What are you so happy about?
Knock Knock
Size
A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered
"It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"
Relationships
Yo moma's like a mail box, open all day and all night.
Yo Momma
You've Got The Wrong(est) Number
You've Got The Wrong(est) Number
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school's number.)
Me: "Thank you for calling. How may I help you?"
Customer: "How much for my daughter?"
Me: "Um..."
Customer: "She's 16. It's her first time. She needs training."
Me: "Sir, I think you want the driving school."
Customer: "Oh, what do you guys do?"
Me: "Adult websites."
Customer: "Oh...OH! Oh my God!"
School
Santa
How does santa greet the three blonde sisters?
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Misc
The Happiest Hour
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Relationships
Teacher's Question
TEACHER : There is a frog, ship is sinking, potatoes cost $10/kg, then what is my age?
STUDENT : 32 yrs!
TEACHER : How do you know?
STUDENT : Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
School
Blonde Light
Why can't blondes put in lightbubs?
Because they keep breaking them with hammers.
Lightbulb
Some Mergers
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home.
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine.
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera.
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple.
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese.
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi.
And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.
Programming
Redneck Orgy
What breaks up a redneck orgy?
When mom and dad/uncle arrive home too soon.
Dad Jokes
The Statue of Liberty
Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long?
A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
Relationships
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,...
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
the cat did a piddle,
all over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed
to see such fun
then died of electric shock.
Animals
Guitarist
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!
Lightbulb
Walking
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
One Liners
If You Want Something Different
This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, "I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different!" The bartendar says, "12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over!" The man replies, "What? And have a houseful of kids!"
Bar
Mississipi
Why is Mississippi River unusual?
Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Puns
Giraffe Joke
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Giraffe
Giraffe who?
Giraffaggot!
Knock Knock
On the Scale
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!
Yo Momma