The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man is out playing golf one day when he whacks the ball harder then usual. It goes soaring in the air, and the golfer yells, "FORE!"
He runs over to find his ball, and he sees a guy holding his head in pain. The man is shouting "I will sue you, and I will win 1 thousand dollars!"
The golfer replies "But I yelled 'fore,' so you can't sue me."
The man replies: "Four, thats better than just one! I'll take it!"
Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle".
Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".
Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted."
Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?"
Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year."
Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."
Yo momma so fat, and you so poor, she stepped in your house and the tires popped.
Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
How many diagonals does an N-polygon have?
N(N-3)/2.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"
Why was everyone at the fancy King Crab Night Diner arrested?
They were breaking the claw! So punny!
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils.
"Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth. "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."
"Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party?
A: He didn't want to be a party pooper.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope
Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Oscar
Oscar who?
Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer!
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
"No," he said, "the steaks are too high."
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.
BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions?
GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.