The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.
One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He does not see the sign, so he gets out of his car, and crosses the road to pull the lever. But, on his way there, he was run over by the car, and was never to be seen again.
The moral of the story?
Better Nate Than Lever!
A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs.
After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yes."
"Can you describe him?" "Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground."
"So he's a traveller?" "Yes, he is; any problems?"
"No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though."
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. "What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?"
"Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife."
"Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song."
"I did." was the answer.
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.
Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all the states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M."
Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you doing?
A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about one penny."
Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about a second."
Then the man asked. "Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?"
God replied, "Sure, just wait a sec."
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI"
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican?
Because her teacher told her to do an ESE.
"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked.
"I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid."
"Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."
A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked,
"What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?"
The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings."
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field?
2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers
Yo momma so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
What monster was created on April 1?
Pranken-stien
Two blonds decided to go shopping. A few hours later they come out and the first blond realizes that she has locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, the first blond looks off into the distance and sees storm clouds. She turns to her friend and says, "Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the convertible top open!"
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.
Why does Clinton wants a postage stamp issued in his image?
So he gets licked more often.