The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
The average human produces about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.
Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.
Americans spend more than $630 million a year on golf balls.
You must play ping-pong for 12 hours to lose a pound.
The life span of a taste bud is ten days.
Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
What's Bill Clinton's favorite movie ?
Sex lies and video tape
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot!
DNA, national dyslexic association
I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.
Q. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk?
A. An Utter Delight!
"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."
Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
How do you know that you're a computer geek?
You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.
IBM and IBC combine to create the perfect computer for financial management. Here's the headline on the weekly paper.
IBM: Do You?
A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing???" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
What's black and white and played all over?
Black and White (the computer game)
Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded, . . .
"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who
Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?