Golf ...
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
Sports
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Lawyer Joke
I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.
Legal
Sheriff or Veterinarian
The sheriff of a small western town was also the town veterinarian. Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered it.
"Is your husband there?" asked an agitated voice.
"Do you require my husband's services as a sheriff or as a veterinarian?" She asked.
"Both," came the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Animals
Jail Horse
What do you call a horse that escaped from jail?
A Zebra.
Animals
Ducks
Two ducks walk into a bar...
One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."
Bar
Knock Knock, Harry P
-Knock Knock!
-Who's there?
-You know.
-You know who?
-Thats right, avada kedavra!
Knock Knock
Kids and Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Kids
So Long Light Bulb!
Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school?
It wasn't very bright.
Lightbulb
Hair & Names
1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet?
He was bald!
2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father?
His name was Dad!
Dad Jokes
Rich People
How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They hire people to do it for them.
Lightbulb
Slogan Success
The head of a small industrial company posted a slogan all around the office and plant saying, "Do it now!" with the hope of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogan signs, he said, "It worked too well. The bookkeeper skipped with $20,000, the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had, three salesmen asked for raises, and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
Office
Under Oath
The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background" the lawyer sneered.
The witness replied,
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Legal
The Doctor
One night a man knocked at the doctor's door. When the door opened -
Doctor : What is the matter?
The man : Doctor,a dog bit my leg.
Doctor : Don't you know that I don't see patients after 9 pm?
The man : I know that very well.Perhaps the dog was not aware of it.
Animals
A grandson's coffee
A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
Kids
A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Legal
New Dictionary
Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists?
It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.
One Liners
When Life Begins
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
School
Two Elderly Ladies...
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get frisky?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first woman asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Relationships
3 Yo Momma So Fat Jokes
Your momma so fat she uses pillows for pantyliners
Your momma so fat she got stuck in the Grand Canyon
Yo Momma
A Little Old Lady
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
Knock Knock
When a Teenage Girl Smiles...
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped
Relationships
Hard Questions
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Dad Jokes
Lights Out
Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more.
What happens when the electricity goes out?
You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!
Programming
Michael Jackson
What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common?
They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
Kids