The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here."
Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Your mama so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all the whales start singing, "We are familly even though you fatter than me".
Blondes are like a rollercoaster, everyone gets a ride!!!
Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long?
A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator.
The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run.
He was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken Dean told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!"
Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.
Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.
Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name "Mydixadrill."
Now when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
A doctor came to a sanitarium to check up on the patients. He sees that everybody is walking around with an empty leash. So he asks a few patients what they are doing.
They all answered that they are taking their dog out on a walk. Only one of the patients said "What are you, blind? I'm holding an empty leash!"
So the doctor says "Very good, I see you are not as crazy as everyone else."
When the doctor leaves, the patient says, "Did you see how we fooled him, Sparky?!"
Q. Why do blondes wear panties?
A. To keep their ankles warm!!
Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over.
"That was quite a leap," she remarked. "Want to go somewhere and cuddle?"
"Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. "The fence was higher than I thought."
A blonde went to see her doctor for her annual checkup so the doctor gave her the once over.
At the end of the checkup he shone a light in her ear to have a look; amazed, he shook his head and walked away.
See below what the doctor had seen.
A big sign
SPACE FOR RENT.
One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Avon Lady, your door bell is broken.
A blonde was swerving all over the road, driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener."
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Duck #1: Quack
Duck #2: Quack
Duck #3: Quack Quack
Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.
Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"
Duck #1: "He knew too much."
My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, "EARTHQUAKE!"
One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club.
"Huh?", I said. "How does that work?"
"Well," he said, "After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait by the hole with your club."
"What does that do?" I asked.
"Well," he said with a grin. "When the fish come up to take a pee, you hit him over the head with the club!"
How do you keep a black man from jumping on your bed?
-Put velcro on the ceiling.
Why don't black people dream anymore?
-Because the last one that did got shot.
How do you keep five black men from raping a white woman?
-Give them a basketball.
What do you call black ladies' abortions?
-Crimestoppers
What do you say if you see your tv floating in the middle of the night?
-"Drop it nigga!"
Whats wrong with four Mexicans dying in an Impala?
-An Impala can hold five.
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"