Plane Trip
If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat?
Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
CPSU Congress
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."
School
Orange Date
How to break up a dating couple:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night?
Knock Knock
What Does an Xbox 360 and a Prostitute Both Have in Common?
Both are attractive cost about $400 for 2 or 12 hours of fun.
But right when you're satisfied you get addicted to them,
And keep wasting money replacing em.
Technology
Jump Rope
Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
A: No, I skipped it!
Sports
Pillows
Yo Momma is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows, and when she woke up, her pillows were gone.
Yo Momma
Nuts and Berries
One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"
Dad Jokes
Jewish Mothers
Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...
Lightbulb
Ten Things
The ten things a guy knows about a girl:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
Relationships
Owls
Knock-knock
Who's there
Who
Who who
I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.
Knock Knock
The "Good" Grade
Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework!
Mom: Really? On what subject?
Child: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling.
Kids
MY POT!
(A continuation of Joke #7939
Idiot #9
- - - - - -
A woman called the cops from her house and said, "My ex-boyfriend stole my pot!" So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.
Office
Innocent Inquiry
Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.
"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.
"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."
Relationships
Frogs?
Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most?
Open toad!
Puns
Interrupting Cow
Knock knock.
Who's there?
interrupting cow
interrupting co---
MOO
Knock Knock
The Judge Had Just Awarded...
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
Relationships
Misleading
Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Legal
Worm Safety
The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions.
"Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake."
"I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."
Sports
Sleep
You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!
One Liners
Tired?
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
One Liners
New Girlfriend
Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the Army. You get a new haircut and new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis.
Relationships
Cow
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly! Cows go moo!
Knock Knock
The Doughnut Seller
Visitor : "Knock knock?"
Worker: "Who's there?"
Visitor : "Doughnut Man."
Worker: "Doughnut Man who?"
Visitor : "For the last time, do not (doughnut) bother me with your useless 'Knock-Knock' jokes!"
Worker: "But you started it!"
Knock Knock
Warm Welcome
Knock-knock
GO AWAY!!! WE DON'T WANT ANY!!!
Knock Knock