Generalizations
all generalizations are false
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Handicap
He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her.
"You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?"
"Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.
Sports
Bills
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
One Liners
Monsters
What monster was created on April 1?
Pranken-stien
Puns
Order of Monks
A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, "I hate porridge." A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, "I like porridge." Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...
"Would you two stop this constant bickering!"
Bar
Pockets
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Legal
Learning
BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class.
JOE- Oh, really? What did you learn?
BOB- One half of what I was supposed to!
Kids
Tank
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Tank.
Tank Who?
You're Welcome!
Knock Knock
WHAT DENOMINATION?
BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
Animals
Your Coat is on Fire
The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count to fifty before saying anything important, and to one hundred if it was very important. The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: "Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir!"
Kids
I Wish...
I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon!
But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...
Kids
Dishes
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."
Kids
An idiot and Cows
Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows.
Farmer: No, a herd.
Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows.
Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd
Guy1: I have no secrets from cows
Animals
Soldiers Salute
One day a secretary noticed her boss's fly was open.
Not wanting to embarrass him, she whispers in his ear, "Your barracks are open, and your soldier is saluting at the gates."
The man, realizing what she means, decides to have some fun and says, "Do you see the colonel standing to attention?"
She whispers back, "No; all I see is a veteran sitting on his two duffel bags."
Relationships
Pick Up
Knock-Knock
Who's There.
Pick up.
Pick up Who?
Pick up your truck and I'll grab the money.
Knock Knock
Poor
Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"
Yo Momma
Computer Pops
How do you know, your computer hates you?
When it grows and pop ups.
Technology
Light
Your momma so old and fat when God said let there be light, he asked your momma to move the hell out of the way because she was blocking the sun.
Yo Momma
Panda
A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves.
The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, "Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary."
The owner did so and it read, "Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves."
Animals
Knock Knock
Knock knock
Who's there ?
Scold
Scold who ?
Scold out here, let me in!
Knock Knock
Do I Need Glasses?
Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses.
You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.
Medical
Fireworks
A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer.
That defeats the original purpose.
Technology
Smart Blond?
What do you call a smart blond?
An Endangered species
Misc
Hollywood Story
The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"
One Liners