Children
Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?
Kids
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Birthday
Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday.
Yo Momma
Sign in a Bar
I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago.
A camel can go eight days without a drink -
but who the hell wants to be a camel.
Bar
His Place
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
Legal
A Very Special Cow
Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Animals
The Painting
An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach.
He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach."
Technology
The Gay Bar
Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left.
One guy says "Lets flip for it"
But another says "No, Lets flip it over"
Bar
Follow Me, I'm Right Behind You!
A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office.
The priest said to the boy, "Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven."
The boy turned and said, "But you don't even know the way to the post office."
Office
Baby
I heard you got a baby.
Dad: Yes, and I am very happy.
So what about the wife?
Dad: She still doesn't know.
Relationships
Concentrate
Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.
Yo Momma
What do you call
What do you call a blond who can change a lightbulb?
Talented
Lightbulb
This is Dumb But Hey!
What was the witches favorite subject in school?
SPELLing
School
Seafood
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Puns
Colorguard Girls
Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.
Lightbulb
Little Johnny and his wagon
A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls.
The man says to LittleJohnny "Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck."
Little Johnny replies "If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren"
Animals
Dolphin Safe Tuna
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
Deep Thoughts
Revenge!
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
Legal
Where Did You Get that Thing?
A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?"
Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."
Bar
What Do You Get...
what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN?
All the information you want, but you can't understand it!
Legal
How Many Newfies
Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.
Lightbulb
Thats a Compromise!
Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.
Lightbulb
What's The Difference?
What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Legal
Doctors? Huh!
If it is dry - moisten.
If it is moist - dry.
Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist.
====================================================
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Medical
Poor Drunken Soul
Man in car,
Went to bar.
Feeling nifty,
Doing fifty.
Hit a car,
Poor old soul.
Doctor's fee,
CEMETARY!
Medical