Duck
One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"
Puns
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Dads' Jobs
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Kids
Appendicitis
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde yelled at the doctor, "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!"
Medical
Gas
I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
One Liners
Misunderstood Warning
After class ends a 1st grader goes up to his teacher and says, "I don't mean to scare you Teacher but my parents said that if I keep getting bad grades, then..."
"Somebody's gonna get a spanking." (nodnod)
Kids
How Long?
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Medical
Success
Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!
One Liners
The Health Club
I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to show up.
Sports
Pluto
A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."
Dad Jokes
Pig
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Animals
Cancer
One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?"
The the mom answered, "Cancer."
The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"
Kids
Sooner or Later
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
The man said, "Here and there."
The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man said, "This and that."
The judge then said, "Take him away."
The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
Bar
Geese and Ducks
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his rear.
Legal
Pouring In
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Relationships
Capitals
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all the states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M."
Relationships
The Seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the daughter asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The little girl thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
Kids
His Best Friend
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
Bar
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB...
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
School
More Clinton 2
What's Bill Clinton's favorite movie ?
Sex lies and video tape
Puns
Rough Times
A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said "Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!"
Bar
TAXI
You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI"
One Liners
Be Kind
Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.
Sports
How many......
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One I hope.
Lightbulb
English Lecture
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Misc