Doctor Doctor Toast
Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
Medical
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Top George Bush Slogans
TOP GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS
1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense
Dad Jokes
Q&A-2
Q. The Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
A. It will get Wet or Sink as simple as that.
Q. What looks like half of an apple ?
A. The other half.
Q. What happened when the wheel was invented?
A. It caused a revolution.
Technology
Existentialists
How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
Lightbulb
Kept in the Dark
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Legal
Milking a Cow
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says "Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder"...
Puns
White Horse
A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!"
The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"
Animals
Yo Mama
Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.
Yo Momma
Slogan Success
The head of a small industrial company posted a slogan all around the office and plant saying, "Do it now!" with the hope of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogan signs, he said, "It worked too well. The bookkeeper skipped with $20,000, the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had, three salesmen asked for raises, and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
Office
Oops
A nurse was giving a patient a check up and came to the task of taking his temperature. So the patient came in and she told him to take his pants and boxers off so he hesitantly did so. She then put somthing in his butt. She had some time, so she went to the bank and was going to withdraw some cash. As she went to get her pen to sign the reciept, she took out the rectal themometer.
Medical
Good News/Bad News
Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane
Good news: He had a parachute
Bad news: The parachute didn't work
Good news: There was a haystack beneath him
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack
Good news: He missed the pitchfork
Bad news: He missed the haystack
Food
Smart Child
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied,
Child: "Bud."
Kids
Blonde Football
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game
for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked
the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I
just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other for 25 cents."
What on earth do you mean???"
Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and
then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming
was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Relationships
Now THAT is High Resolution
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Legal
NCAA Basketball
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
Lightbulb
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Technology
Test Grades
A young brunette used to always wonder why her blonde best friend would get A's on all her tests and the brunette would get A-'s.
She thought that was a little weird, so one day she asked her friend why she got better grades, and her friend said that she just copied the answers out of her book, so the brunette said, "But none of them were open book," and the blonde says, "Oh, that might explain why no one was using their books!"
Deep Thoughts
Broccoli
Broccoli, while not exoccoli,
Is within an inach of being spinach.
Misc
An idiot and Cows
Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows.
Farmer: No, a herd.
Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows.
Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd
Guy1: I have no secrets from cows
Animals
Lightbulb
How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.
Sports
Heat It Up
Yo Mama is so poor, I walked in and dropped a cigarette butt on the floor, and she said, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got heat".
Yo Momma
Computer vs. Air Conditioner
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work!
Technology
A Bribe for Your Professor
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
School
Bicyclist
A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney.
I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, "Did the driver admit he was at fault?"
Legal