The Deer
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea (no eye deer.)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Hillary, Monica, and Bill
"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill
One Liners
Mince Pie
A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
Office
Two Blonds
Two blonds decided to go shopping. A few hours later they come out and the first blond realizes that she has locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, the first blond looks off into the distance and sees storm clouds. She turns to her friend and says, "Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the convertible top open!"
Misc
Unsolved Mysteries
If two black cats walk by each other, then do they both get bad luck?
Does the more disgusting foods mean that they are healthier?
When you get your first pair of scissors you need a pair of scissors to open the pair of scissors that you just got. So how are you going to get it open?
Animals
Lower Sex Drive?
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
Office
Meal Time Knock-knocks
1. knock knock,
who's there?
Ima,
Ima who?
Ima hungry can we eat yet?
2. knock knock,
who's there?
peas,
peas who?
peas can we start know
3. knock knock,
who's there?
phil,
phil who?
phil my cup up with water please
Knock Knock
I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it.
I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?
Technology
Termit
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Animals
Ask Me No Questions
Woman: Honey, do you love me?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do I look fat in this?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Did you enjoy the meal?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight?
Woman: Sure Honey!
Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Relationships
DUHH!!
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Me DUHH!!
Knock Knock
Boomerang
Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back!
Yo Momma
Hearing AIDS
One guy went to see a doctor because he had a hearing problem, so he met his friend and the conversation began!
First guy: "Did the doctor give you your test results?"
Second guy: "Yeah. Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me.
I have hearing AIDS."
Medical
Chips
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Chips.
Chips who?
Chips Ahoy!
Knock Knock
Orders
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
Office
Busted!
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Relationships
Gorilla Exterminator
A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree.
"Then my dog will bite his testicles off."
The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?"
The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."
Animals
Abbey
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Abbey!
Abbey who?
Abbey stung me on the nose!
Knock Knock
Red Ears
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
Medical
What do you call.....
What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A Pork-Chop!
Animals
So sad..
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"
Bar
Rookie
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
Sports
Barbie
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
One Liners
Windows Vista
Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!"
"Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM."
Programming