The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess;
If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake...
If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."
There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him.
The same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously.
Intrigued, the nurse asked,"Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?"
Still shaking, the patient replied, "No, my dear nurse, the bottle of medicine you gave me said 'shake before drinking' but I forgot to shake!"
"Oh dear."
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is.
Fortunately, I love money.
-- Jackie Mason
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mighty crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room" replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."
"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."
"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."
Yo mama is so fat and lazy, that her hair-do has been turned into a National Forest.
If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder who?
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder...
A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry at your sister," the mother says. "She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, "Now she knows."
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When kids say:
The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time.
I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help.
It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me.
When men say:
Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night.
When women say:
I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tracks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Two mates calles mik and mak went to the Australia vs England game. It was mik`s birthday, and mik gave mak a ride and mak took mik`s birthday present with him.He went to get it while mik wached the 4th over. Mak said to mik i`ve got some bad news for you buddy. Your car was actually a car bomb and blew up...but mik interupted by saying Well makky, mate I`ve got some bad news for you. what? mak asked. Ricky ponting`s out,he replied
You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back.
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.
What is more peculiar than watching a catfish?
Watching a goldfish bowl.
Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies?
A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.
A mother and her child were at a wedding.
A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
Do this on a calculator! So here's the story: a woman had 69 boobs which was too too too much. So she went to 51st street and the doctor took all the time he had and ate all the boobs and she became boobless!
69 boobs
222 much
51st street
6922251 X time
6922251 X 8 ate
6922251 =55378008 flip your calculator, and she became boobless!
Bounty - The Quicker Picker-Upper
Chevy Truck - Like A Rock
Energizer - It Keepsa Going And Going
KFC - Finger Lickin' Good
McDonals - We Love To See You Smile
M&M's - It Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands
Nike - Just Do It
Pringles - Once You Pop, You Can't Stop
How to break up a dating couple:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?
Skeet