Lone Bones
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because it had no body to go with.
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Knock-Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
I don't know, but stop your crying!
Knock Knock
Dog vs. Husband
Q:What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Relationships
Why are Married Women...
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Relationships
Wonder????
If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air?
If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?
Deep Thoughts
Eating Alone
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Food
Another Blond Joke
Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101, one to hold the lightbulb and 100 to spin the house!
Lightbulb
Ole is So Cheap...
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
Technology
Man With a Sprained Ankle
A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.
Medical
Psychic
What do you call a short psychic on the lam?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small medium at large!
Misc
The Healing Power of Holy Water?
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.
Technology
Sermon Topic
A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"
Technology
Counting
Little Tommy ran to his dad and said "Daddy, daddy! Watch me count."
Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. "One, two, three, four, five."
"Good!" his dad exclaimed. "Can you count higher?"
Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head.
"One, two, three, four, five..."
Kids
Fruit Roll Up
I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!
Sports
God is Watching
In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."
Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies...
One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Kids
How Many Men?
Q:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part!
Lightbulb
Cannibal
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was caught buttering up his teacher
Puns
Goldfish
3 blondes caught a goldfish, and the fish said if they let her go she will grant them one wish each. The first blonde said: "I want to be smart." The second said: "I want to be smarter than her," and the third said: "I want to be the smartest."
In the morning they woke up and the first blonde turned into a brunette, second black and the third one had become a man.
Animals
Vroom Vroom
Yo momma is like a Nascar race car, she burns rubber everynight!
Yo Momma
Something I Learned in Chemistry Class
"Apparatus" is a fancy word for thingy.
School
Hunting
Two blondes were going on a hike, and came to a fork in the road. A sign was in the center that said "Bear left." One of the blondes said,"I'm happy that was taken care of, now we finally are able to take the upper trail," so they proceeded left.
Animals
Apricot
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Apricot.
Apricot who?
Apricot my key, open up!
Knock Knock
Football
Why is a football pitch so cold?
Because of all the fans
Sports
The Painter
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?"
"He was your doctor."
Medical