The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Enter this old elementary school story onto your calculator fun a cheap laugh - the numbers or signs that you should enter are in quotes.
Once upon a time, there was an old lady who was "69" years old. She had always thought that her boobs were "222" (too too too) big. So she went to "51" (fifty-first) street to see Doctor "X" "8" times. When she came back, she was...*turn calculator upside-down and read*
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said...
"Please bring up a postcard. I'll mail her a note!"
What is Kermit the Frog's middle name?
The.
The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin."
The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl.
Doctor: Who?
Patient: Now I know two.
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
What did the wall say to the picture?
How's it hangin`?
I didn't mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That's a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said "think fast!" He didn't say that to me when he used the baton on my face.
A 6 year old was in a car with her parents. She kept having sneezing fits, and she kept splattering snot all over the seats. Eventually, the Mum and Dad gave up on trying to stop the sneezing, and told the little girl to put her hands up when she sneezed. The little girl did so, raising her hands above her head, and sneezed on the Mum's face!!
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He felt his presence!
Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Two people were at a bar resting when one said, "I wish I was God." The other said, "Are you mad?" And the other says, "How could you say such a thing?" and the reply is, "I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!"
Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Eileen.
Eileen who?
Eileen on the door until you open it
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Dishwasher.
Dishwasher Who?
Dishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth
(This was the way I spoke before I had false teeth)
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Sara.
Sara who?
Sara doctor in the house?!
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!
Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.
how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, but I don't know how they got in there!
A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess?
The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"
A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...
How do you confuse a stupid person?
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Girliepie has one that is really embarrassing! I tell it from her point of view -
It was the next to last day of school and I was walking in the hall with my friends. I saw my friend Jacob a few feet away from me, so I decided to say hi. We always play around, so I went up behind him and put my arm around him and said, "Hey sexy". He turned around and looked at me and it wasn't him! It was some kid I've never seen before in my life! My face turned beet red!