The Dog
Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle".
Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Yo Momma
Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.
Yo Momma
Hairy Pickle
After every line I type, say out loud to yourself, Hairy Pickle
There once was a guy named
He lived in a town called
Nobody did like
So they hung him buy his
Technology
Clear
Yo Mama so dumb, her favorite color is clear.
Yo Momma
Twelve Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
Bar
The Buddhist Hotdog Vendor
A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."
Animals
Big Cats
1. Q: What would you do if a cheetah charged you?
A: Pay him cash. (But don't worry. He accepts credit cards too.)
2. Q: Who went into the tiger's lair and came out alive?
A: The tiger.
3. Q: If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped off, how many are still on the boat?
A: None- they were all copy cats.
4: Q: What has four legs and two eyes but sees just as well from both ends?
A: A tiger with its eyes closed.
Animals
Dishes
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."
Kids
Mom, What's Sex?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
Kids
Steve's Mom
Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy?
Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
Kids
Ouch!
So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar.
Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!
Bar
I Don't Exercise...
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
One Liners
Some Kind of Joke
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
Bar
Fritzchen
The teacher asks in school: "What is the most important thing in socialism?" The students consider and little Fritz (Fritzchen) answers: "The most important thing in socialism is the human!" The teacher: "That is a good answer, Fritzchen. I will give you a B-grade." Fritzchen is dissatisfied and responds emphatically: "Would you maybe give me an A if I told you what the human's name was?"
School
The Acid Test
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"
School
The "Good" Grade
Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework!
Mom: Really? On what subject?
Child: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling.
Kids
Getting Cold Feet
Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin."
"Why is that an issue?" the dad says.
"Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"
Dad Jokes
Knocking?
Knock-Knock
Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell.
Knock Knock
Dolphins
A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls.
One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for...
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!
Puns
Toenails
Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!
Yo Momma
Lawyers Off Bridge....
Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
A: Pollution.
Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
A: Solution.
Legal
Thesaurus
What is another word for Thesaurus?
One Liners
Even More Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words
"We'll be safe here, trust me."
"Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway."
"We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you."
"Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!"
"My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since."
"It's just a slight tingle."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???"
Food
Santa
How does santa greet the three blonde sisters?
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Misc