Hairdressers
Q: Why are hairdressers always on time?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!
Puns
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The Mistaken Drunk
A drunk stumbles into a confessional.
The priest on the other side hears someone enter but yet the man does not speak.
So the priest knocks on the wall of the confessional and hears the drunk say, "Forget it buddy, theres no toiletpaper in this one either!"
Misc
Shorty
Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb.
Yo Momma
Computer
How do you praise a computer?
Say "Data Boy"!
Puns
Waiter 1
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
Well, bring me the winner then.
Bar
Math
There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!
One Liners
Skin and Bones
Why don't skeletons ever play music at church?
Because they don't have any organs!
Puns
Bad Knock-Knock Joke
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Who!
Who who?
You must have the stammers!
Knock Knock
New Motorcyle
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Relationships
Bullfighters
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
Puns
Sharks
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Legal
Saving Money
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Relationships
Physical
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the
doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc, 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Medical
The Horse-Drawn Carriage
Little Jimmy, Little Billy, and Jimmy's father were at an Art Museum. Little Jimmy was looking at a picture of someone in a carriage being pulled by a horse.
Little Jimmy brought his father over to look at the picture, and he asked his father, "Daddy, what is this?"
His dad replied, "Why, that is a horse-drawn carriage!"
Little Jimmy excitedly ran over to Little Billy, brought him back to the picture, and said, "Billy, a horse drew this picture!!"
Kids
Who Would Have Been President?
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary, "I went to high school with you".
She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later, as they were driving down the road, Bill said, "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President."
Hillary said, "Oh yes, I would - he would be President."
School
Kids
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
One Liners
Two Cows
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Animals
Black, White and Red
What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
Misc
Some More Things Men Would Never Say
Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again.
Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car.
Wife says: How do I look?
Man: Terrible, go change!
Relationships
Mouse Face
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say Cheese!
Animals
Polar Bear
A polar bear walked into a bar and said
"Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?"
The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?"
"I don't know, I've always had them!"
Puns
SOCIAL SECURITY:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Relationships
More Dirt!!
What is it called when an insect kills themself?
Pesticide!
Animals
President's Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" the President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Office