The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
You know what? Everybody is screwed these days.
In the office, you're screwed if you don't do you're job well.
At home, You're screwed if you don't listen to your parents.
At school/college, You're screwed by many- Teachers, bullies, the principal etc...
And they say we're all screwed on December 21st 2012!
But, these things don't bother me. The one thing that makes me mad is when I'm looking for a virgin and they're ALL screwed!
You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers!"
Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb
A: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation)
One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, "Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay."
A man loading his car with groceries next to me said, "You know, usually, I just put it in park!"
A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor.
He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer "We're diving into the pool".
Only one of them sits aside watching them. "I see you're not diving into the pool" the doctor says. The patient replies "I'm the lifeguard."
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!
A couple were at the beach watching a volleyball game when they notice a pair of adults nearby kissing passionately, the woman running her hands down the man's arms, massaging erotically while nibbling on his ear. The couple was intrigued yet they don't want to miss the exciting match so the girl asked her boyfriend if she should watch the match or them. The guy replied, "Watch them. You already know how to play volleyball."
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.
Knock-Knock
Who's there
Jack
Jack Who
I don't know any jack
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.
Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?"
Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"
A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the game - and Dad can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."
Bobby: "No probs, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."
What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant?
Her Legs
One day, a teen went to the docter, and said: "DOCTOR! Whenever I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!" The docter replies, "Drink lots of water, and keep your feet elevated." The next week, the teen comes back and says that dimes come out. The doctor says the same thing. Next week, he says that quarters are coming. Then half dollars. The doctor finally replies, "You're at the time where you go through change."
A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.
"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."
The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"
The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"
Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Darn those pushy metric system advocates!
Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg."
Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts!