The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth?
A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth
Q: What does a fish use to get high?
A: Seaweed!
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
Take your income and add 10%
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because it wasn't peeling well
The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."
What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Did you get any under the tree?
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Check out Rudolph's honker!
Santa's sack is really bulging.
Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff.
Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
Can I interest you in some dark meat?
To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
What kind of monkey eats chips?
A chipmunk!
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
1. Happy aniversery!
2. Do I look fat in this?
3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want.
4. I think im pregnant.
5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my
friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret.
6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women.
7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood.
8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas!
9. I'm sorry.
10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin."
"Why is that an issue?" the dad says.
"Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"
I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again.
Thanks Andrew!
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Knock,knock!
Who's there?
King!
King who?
King Kong is now part of China.
A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up."
After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
Knock-knock?
Who's there?
Estelle.
Estelle Who?
Estelle am waiting for you to open this door!
A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food."