The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.
She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!"
Why did the blonde steal a parked police car?
She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)
A man called the computer company because he was having trouble with his computer. A woman answered the phone.
"Hello. May I help you?
"Yes. I'm having trouble with my computer. Every time I press the enter key my computer goes biserk."
"I think I know what you should do."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"What should I do?"
"You should stop pressing the enter key."
Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum:
"It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago."
"Wow! What did people breathe before that?"
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.
When White man found this land, Indians were running it.
No Taxes...
No Debt...
Plenty Buffalo...
Plenty beaver!
Women did most (all) of the work.
Medicine Man free!
Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
Only White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that
What is a plant's favorite school year?
KinderGARDEN!!!
You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Have I ever told you about my uncle Jeffy? Well, as a kid my uncle Jeffy lost all of his hair, and everyone thought he was sick, so he went to a doctor. The doctor told him "Jeffy, you are not sick." He was right because, later in life, Jeffy was in school and walked through a wall! It turned out Jeffy had magical powers! He then got a pet dragon and learned how to fly.
We go visit Uncle Jeffy at the Mental Institution every 1st of the month.
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What is a cat's favourite exercise?
Puss-Ups!
A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."
Your dad is Santa Claus and your mom is A HO HO HO!
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background" the lawyer sneered.
The witness replied,
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
One day Bob (a boy) went to Sally (a beautiful girl). Bob told her, "Sal, Jack (a boy) wants you."
She replied, "I know."
They stand in silence for a while.
Bob finally said, "I mean he needs your help."
"Oh."
Help reduce air pollution, stop breathing
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A chu.
A chu who?
Bless you!
How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.