A Shepherd, a Wolf, and a Flock
As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.
As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.
What do you do?
I would get the flock out of there!
Bar
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Bad Taste
One day, 15 year old Christy came home from shopping with her Auntie Kim and Auntie Flo.
Christy says to her 6 year old sister, "Auntie Kim has bad taste, but Auntie Flo has good taste."
Her sister then says, "How do you know? Have you bitten them before?"
Kids
So Many Products
Long ago I gave my kid an iPod.
Last year he talked me into buying him an iPhone.
This year he said he needed an iPad.
I asked what the i- means and he said that's the way Apple name their products.
Now he's asking for an i7 laptop. My goodness, Apple have made so many things they've now run out of names!
Technology
Irish
I-rish my beer was full...
Bar
Pasta Time
Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner?
Courtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta.
Kids
Fairy Tales
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
Dad Jokes
Hecho En Mexico
A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?"
She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
Medical
Hop Scotch
Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this :
Washington, California, Nevada, now Arizona
Yo Momma
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered...
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Bar
Purple and Commutes
What's purple and commutes?
An Abelian grape.
Technology
Rollercoaster
Blondes are like a rollercoaster, everyone gets a ride!!!
One Liners
Oh Magnolia!
A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.
"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.
Medical
REALLY AWESOME COMPUTER THINGY!
This will make your computer A LOT faster, and it is REALLY EZPZ! The thing is, most ppl lack the knowlege to use it.
1.Go to the START menu
2. Click My Computer
3. Right click (C:)
4.Click Format
5. Click Yes
6. Repeat on (D:), then (E:), then (A:)
7. TA DA!
FTR, if you do this, you will completely erase everything on your computer
Programming
Blond Les-bar
Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar?
A) Wow, those people sure were friendly!
Bar
Wrong Finger
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Relationships
How Many Newfies
Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.
Lightbulb
Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage
Love Marriage: Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.
Arranged Marriage: Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!
Arranged Marriage is like Unix..boring n colorless... still extremely reliable n robust.
Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive........ yet one never knows when it will crash........
Relationships
Little Known Medical Condition Diagnosis
Dickiedoo Disease: defined as the expansion of the adominal region of the human male to the point where it eliminates the view of the male's private part from its possessor. Translated into a more commonly used phrase "His belly sticks out further than his Dickiedoo!
Also know as Abdominalius Humongus and in some cases where the male appendage is not very large, this condition is known as Male Apparatus Non-existus.
Medical
Ding-Dong
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Avon Lady, your door bell is broken.
Knock Knock
Doctor Doctor!!!
"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said."
"When did you first notice this problem?"
"What problem?"
Medical
Keeping a Blonde Busy
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
Misc
The Traveller
A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs.
After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yes."
"Can you describe him?" "Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground."
"So he's a traveller?" "Yes, he is; any problems?"
"No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though."
Medical
So Fat...
Yo Mama is so fat, she went to buy a water bed and they put a blanket over the Altantic Ocean.
Yo Momma
OFR's
Quotes from Officer Fitness Reports:
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
Office