The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago.
So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"
Boy: Will you punish me for something I
didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys
Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction.
A little boy and his older sister were building paper airplanes when his sister said, "We should stop building planes now and play with the ones we've got. We don't need to waste any more paper."
"Why?"
"Because if we use too much paper we'll lose all the trees, and everyone will die.."
"Because we don't have any paper?"
How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!
Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail?
Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.
Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.
This husband and wife couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer.
The pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil.
Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplet babies. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? he asked.
She replied, "I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40."
A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike."
"That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor.
"I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man.
"Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear."
"How's that?" asked the man.
"Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."
"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :)
What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?
One sells watches, one watches cells!
Why don't crabs share?
Because there shelfish!
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Q) How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A) 25!
One to mix the batter and 24 to peel the m&m's.
What do you call a horny fish?
A blowfish
Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.
Everybody knows about the kangaroo, the tall marsupial that lives in Australia, but when settlers first went there, they were amazed and had never seen anything like them. They asked an aborigine what the animals were called. He replied, "Kangaroo," so that is what the settlers called them. Little did they know, kangaroo is an aboriginal phrase meaning, "I don't understand your question."
During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nunya!
Nunya who?
Nunya Damn Business!!