Rhyme
Roses are red,
Grass is green.
You have the shape
Of a washing machine.
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
I Hit Two...
A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
Sports
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
+ You dance and it makes the band skip.
+ You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
+ You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
+ Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
+ You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
+ You could sell shade.
+ Your blood type is Ragu.
+ You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Food
How to Calculate the Cost of Living
Take your income and add 10%
One Liners
The Cat Who Could
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
Animals
Praying
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it
praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin
Deep Thoughts
Guilty
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days in jail."
Legal
How Many?
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Lightbulb
Paratrooper
PARATROOPER
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.
Dad Jokes
Phone Conversation
Sam: "Cas, phone for you!"
Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...."
--AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION--
Sam: "So, who was it?"
Cas: "Heather."
Sam: "What did she want?"
Cas: "Our phone number."
Kids
The Downfall of the World
It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end.
Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:
They let Brittney Spears reproduce.
Ohh that poor poor child!!
Puns
Getting Older
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Bar
Indian Prince
Once upon a time in India, the Bengal tiger was on the brink of extinction, due to a vigorous hunting season. So, Prince Naranjahah ordered that no one shall kill another Bengal. Well, this led to the over abundance in zoos and animal shelters, and one day, the tigers broke loose and started attacking the citizens. The citizens then revolted and overthrew the Prince's rule.
This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
Puns
Daughter and Mother
A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses.
The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"
Kids
You Are....
You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone!
You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor!
You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!
Animals
How Many Wizards Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!
Lightbulb
Kool-Aid
Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid?
They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the
envelope!
Technology
The Dreaded Amish Flu...
First, you get a little hoarse.
Then, you get a little buggy.
Puns
Lawyers and Vampires
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Legal
Dirty Things at Christmas
Did you get any under the tree?
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Check out Rudolph's honker!
Santa's sack is really bulging.
Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff.
Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
Can I interest you in some dark meat?
To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Food
Sherlock Holmes in Heaven
Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal."
"Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."
Food
Break and Enter
Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"
Yo Momma
Golf ...
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
Sports
Fly
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Animals