The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney.
I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, "Did the driver admit he was at fault?"
A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!"
The man said,"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!"
The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the navy kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Yo da lay he.
Yo da lay he who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.
Now I lay me down to sleep
With the boy across the street
Won't my mommy be surprised
When my tummy starts to rise
Won't my daddy be disgusted
When he finds my cherry's busted.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snowflake.
Snowflake who?
There's snowflake like home!
You're so ugly...
that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.
Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application.
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear
FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down?
CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
3 expecting mothers were talking in their doctors office, about the sex of their babies.
The first mother said, "I'm having a boy."
"How can you be so sure?" asked the other two.
"Well" said the first, "my husband was on top."
The second replied, "If that's the case then I'm having a girl because I was on top."
The third started to cry. The first two asked her what was wrong.
"I'm going to have a puppy" she replied.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
life
life who?
A life is what you need to get!
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller,
"Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says - "Fluctuations!"
The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"