The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
This was unveiled by scientists as "The Funniest Joke in the World":
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk. "My head's spinning," the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?" "Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."
What does the turtle do in the Olympics?
The hurdle run!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
I cannot see,
I cannot pee;
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw;
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks,
My hearing stinks,
No sense of smell -
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping,
Have trouble pooping;
The Golden Years have come at last -
The Golden years can kiss my ass
Yo mama is so fat, she's the reason they declared world hunger.
Your momma such a bitch, PMS cheers her up.
Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, "Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!"
Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101, one to hold the lightbulb and 100 to spin the house!
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?
She kept running away from the ball!!
It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end.
Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:
They let Brittney Spears reproduce.
Ohh that poor poor child!!
A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
How does boodler reproduce?
By Fucking Battery's fat-Shit-and-cum filled ass
If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?
How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.
Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.'
'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep.
'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'
Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called Predicaments
"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work.
"Oh, how?"
"I asked for a raise!"
Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"
A lawyer in Basic Math class
"What is two plus two?"
"Well, first let us decide the parties. The first two is party A. Now first, where are the signatures that my client two WANTS to be added to the party B, two. I see no signatures, and therefore the two twos shan't be together until further paperwork is done. Two and two remain separate, CASE CLOSED!"
What do elephants always bring on holiday?
A trunk.
A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?"
"I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger."
"No, a sensible person would pull the plug."
Jack tells his shrink, "Last night I dreamed you were my mother."
"How did you feel about it after you woke up?" asks the psychiatrist.
"I overslept," answers Jack. "Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?"
"A Coke and some cookies?" says the psychiatrist. "You call that breakfast?"