The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"
An angry wife met her husband at the door. She could smell alcohol on his breath and there was lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there's a reason you're waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"
"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"
Why did the Irish people jump on the bartender?
He said, "The drinks are on me."
Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?
You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure.
A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, 'Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'
The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, 'Dad, Jesus had long hair...'
And the dad replied, 'Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?'
Famous Last Words
"We'll be safe here, trust me."
"Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway."
"We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you."
"Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!"
"My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since."
"It's just a slight tingle."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???"
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says "Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder"...
Seen on a bumper sticker:
"I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."
Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.
She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.
"What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.
A middle school student was working at a shop for his after-school job. He had on a Dairy Queen shirt. A kindergarten student walked up to him and said, "Wow, I have 3 of those shirts! You must be cheap!"
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
What did one virus say to the other virus?
Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
How did the person take over the remote?
He asked for remote CONTROLS!
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q What has two legs, and bleeds?
A Half a dog!
Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!
yo mama and daddy r so fat, half the world went to ur mom, the other to ur dad.