Tutor
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?
Technology
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Offspring
What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster?
A juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences.
Technology
How to Kill a Blond
Q. How do you kill a blond?
A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Misc
Lawyers Creed
Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
One Liners
Ice Skating
When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
Puns
What Do Railroad Tracks...
What do railroad tracks and blondes have in common?
They are both laid all over America!
Technology
Two Guys And Their Camels
Two English guys were in the middle of the scorching desert with no food or water. They both decide to stop and have a rest in the sand. Then one guy has a genius idea.
The guy says, "I support Liverpool football team, so I'll eat the liver of my camel!"
The second guys says, "I support Arsenal football club, but I'm not that hungry!"
Food
How Many Ventriloquists?
How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.
Lightbulb
Cross the Road #2
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why did the pencil cross the road?
A: It was lead.
Food
Worms
A schoolteacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly. She then asked her students what this proved.
One student raised his hand and said, "If you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms."
Kids
Know-It-All
"Danny," asked Mrs Waters, "What's usually used as a conductor of electricity?"
"Why- er..."
"Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?"
"The what??"
That's absolutely right. The watt."
Kids
Good Luck Letter
Dear son,
Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.
Love,
Dad
Dad Jokes
Maida
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Maida.
Maida who?
Maida force be with you!
Knock Knock
An Important Phone Call
The following event actually happened to a famous basketball coach.
"When I first got a job as La Salle University's basketball coach, the phone rang and my wife told me it was Sports Illustrated. I cut myself shaving and fell down the steps in my rush to get the phone.
When I got there, a voice on the other end said, 'For just 75 cents an issue...'"
Sports
Banana
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because it wasn't peeling well
Medical
Alaska
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Alaska
Alaska who?
Alaska one more time, open the door
Knock Knock
Scare me
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
Relationships
Gross -- Not Funny #5
What's grosser than gross?
When you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away.
Food
Presto-chango
How do you turn a blonde into a brunette?
Make her do a cartwheel!
Misc
Ugly Contest
Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals..."
Yo Momma
Under Pressure
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you moron!"
Medical
The Deer
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea (no eye deer.)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Animals
Plastic, or Rubber?
A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber." While looking at something in his hand.
The man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, "It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replies, "From my nose."
Food
Mr. Bush
Why did President George W. Bush go into a gorilla's nest in the jungle?
To be with his family!
Misc