On Wall in Ladies Room...
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
Relationships
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Definition of Diplomacy
Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Misc
A Call.
A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out.
The son: And if he doesn't call?
Kids
Library Comedy
Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read."
Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."
Kids
NCAA Basketball
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
Lightbulb
Rudolf
The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago.
So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"
Puns
AFRIKAANS JOKE (Toppunt Van Geraas)
Wat is die toppunt van geraas?
2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!
Puns
In Emergency, Break Glass
A pregnant woman was on a bus. As the bus was going along, the woman started to give birth. An off-duty doctor rushed to her side and started to help her. He shouted to the rest of the bus, "Can someone help me?" Then towards the back of the bus a blond got up and smashed the back window. The doctor turned to her and said, "What did you do that for?" The blond replied, "Well it said on the window, In emergency, break glass."
Medical
100 Years Old
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Medical
What do you call
What do you call a blond who can change a lightbulb?
Talented
Lightbulb
Aspirin (not Funny)
Yo momma so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
Yo Momma
Tarzan Swings
Tarzan swings through the air
Tarzan loses his underwear
Tarzan says "Me no care,
Jane make me another pair."
Boy swings through the air
Boy loses his underwear
Boy says "Me no care,
Jane make me another pair."
Cheetah swings through the air
Cheetah loses his underwear
Cheetah says "Me no care,
Jane make me another pair."
Jane swings through the air
Jane loses her underwear
Jane says "Me no care,
Tarzan like me better bare!"
Bar
I was at the Golf Store...
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Sports
I Am Your FATHER!
Lady on telephone: "Hello sir, I want to meet & talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids."
Guy (stunned!):
Are you Sandra?
No.
Jenny?
No.
Amy?
No.
Betty?
No.
Lady (in confusion):
"No sir, I'm your son's class teacher."
School
You Don't Get it
Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his house.
"Sorry, that's against the law," says the desk sergeant.
"You don't get it," says the man. "I need to know how he got in without waking my wife."
Relationships
Movie Stars II
How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over!
Lightbulb
Bungee Jump
What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common?
They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!
Misc
An Important Phone Call
The following event actually happened to a famous basketball coach.
"When I first got a job as La Salle University's basketball coach, the phone rang and my wife told me it was Sports Illustrated. I cut myself shaving and fell down the steps in my rush to get the phone.
When I got there, a voice on the other end said, 'For just 75 cents an issue...'"
Sports
Doctor's Orders
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Medical
Slide Show
True Story:
My aunt and her son were coming to our house to view an old slide show of London. Currently, my aunt has grey hair. In the slides she had black hair. My dad tells my cousin, "See, your mother doesn't look old here." He replies, "Well, you can also see when the Hampton Court Palace was new."
Dad Jokes
The Pretty Dress
One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, "Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, "yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron".
Kids
Love...
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo Momma
Amoebas
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .
Lightbulb
You Might be a Redneck If...
You might be a redneck if you list your dog or cat as a dependent on your taxes.
You might be a redneck if you have never been on a main road.
You might be a redneck if you drive a minivan to the prom.
You might be a redneck if the most expensive jewelery you have came from Dollar General.
Animals