The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The long term implications of drug research and medical procedures must be fully considered.
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
Medical researchers believe that by the year 2030 there will be a significant number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
Yo mama's so fat, she sells shade, and that gives her enough to feed a family!
Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.
How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They wouldn't, they might brake a nail!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Dot.
Dot who?
Dots for me to know, and you to find out.
While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say?
An audience laughing it's head off
Why is a football pitch so cold?
Because of all the fans
Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
When kids say:
The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time.
I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help.
It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me.
When men say:
Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night.
When women say:
I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?
3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
What is black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed zebra
WIKIPEDIA: I know everything.
GOOGLE: I have everything.
FACEBOOK: I know everybody.
INTERNET : You're all nothing without me.
ELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches!
The pressure of a workday can bring out the weirdness in people. Possibilities for stupidity are endless. Here are some real conversations:
Boss: "You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent."
Cube Dweller: "Well, you can't be consistent all the time."
Cashier: "And what form of payment will you be using today?"
Customer: "Money."
Office Manager: "Where were you yesterday?"
Peon: "I was at my cousin's funeral."
Office Manager: "Why? Did she die?"
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money
Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!
A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. "I'll take that bet" the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. "I don't get it", he says," I just did 150 outside!"
What's better than going to school?
Having play time every day!
knock-knock
who's there?
duck
duck who?
duck I just threw a frisby at you!!