One-Armed Blonde
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave!
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Cheese Spread
Why did Michael Jackson cover his body in cheese spread?
Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylee.
Technology
Tsunami Mommy
Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, people head for higher ground.
Yo Momma
Ducks Under it
The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar.
The Irishman ducks under it.
Bar
Ducks
Two ducks walk into a bar...
One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."
Bar
Betting
"I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000." Tommy told Rob.
"Hey, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?" Rob exclaimed.
"No Man, I bet Rs 500 on that match." Tommy replied.
"So, what happened to the other Rs 500?" Rob asked.
"My Friend, I bet on the highlights too." Tommy replied.
Sports
Last Request
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Newf requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told, "But they are out of season!"
"So, I'll wait."
Relationships
Car Crash
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm right here."
Medical
Yahoo
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Ya
Ya - who?
I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!
Knock Knock
Insomnia
I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.
One Liners
Did You Hear...
Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist?
The new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.
Misc
Educational System
You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.
Animals
An Interesting Thing About Golf...
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Sports
A Nurse Dies and Goes to Heaven....
A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."
Medical
You Did It Again!
Kid 1: You did it again!
Kid 2: What? What did I do?
Kid 1: You know, that thing.
Kid 2: What thing?
Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.
Kids
Stealing
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
One Liners
Dummy E-mail
How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail?
You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Technology
December 14
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Office
Super Strength
A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. "I'll take that bet" the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. "I don't get it", he says," I just did 150 outside!"
Bar
Blonde Paint
Have you heard about the new blonde paint? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy.
Technology
TP Usage
A man and his friend are out camping and the first one needs to go to the bathroom and they have no toliet paper so he asks his friend what to do. His friend says just wipe it with your hand and smack it on a rock. So the man does so and smacks his hand on a rock and it hurts him really bad, so to reduce the pain he sucks on his hand.
Technology
Helping the Boys in Blue
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it turned itself in.
Lightbulb
No-Parking Zone
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Office
99 Blonds and 1 Brunette
There are 99 Blonds on a plane and 1 Brunette. The captain radios in that they are going down, So they drop all the luggage. They were still going down so they drop out all the chairs. They were still going down so they dropped the floor. So they are hanging by their hands from the top on the plane with no floor. So the captain say's "1 person jump out" the Brunette say's "I'll sacrifice my life", and all the Blonds start clapping.
Technology