The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
2 men were out camping. At about 3:00 one man had to go to the bathroom. There were no toilets around and the men had no toilet paper! The man took a crap in the forest, but then had noting to wipe his butt with. He asked his friend what to do, and his friends said to wipe his butt with a 1 dollar bill. 5 minutes later the man came back with crap all over his hands. The friend asked what happened and the man said, "I didn't have a 1 dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters!"
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
It was often said that if an African American was
ever voted in to be the President of the United States,
that would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after
President Barack Obama is in office, swine flu.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?
An elevator
You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone!
You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor!
You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!
Once, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,"A pregnant firefighter." Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,"Do you know what pregnant means?" The little boy just said, "Yes, it means to be carrying a child."
Bobby-Hey do you remember what the teacher said in fourth hour?
Jessica-?--------???
Bobby-Did you just have a blonde moment?
An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, "Lord thank us, we have food!"
"Teacher, I can't do this problem!"
"Any five year old can do that problem."
"Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!"
Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite
(see also) a. Brother-in-law
b. lawyer
c. politician
A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.
What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common?
insert bill here!
99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.
Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A: A sweater with pockets
To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
A little girl is helping her mommy with the dishes when she notices that some of her hairs are gray. She asks her mom,
"Why are some of your hairs gray?"
The mom replies cleverly, "Whenever you make me cry or lie to me, one of my hairs turn gray." The girl thinks for a minute, and then asks,
"Is that why all Grandma's hairs are gray?"
A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police.
The man asked:
"Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?"
The policeman replied,
"No, you were flying too low..."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar.
The redhead walks up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a BL." So the bartender gives her a Bud Light.
The brunette walks up next and says,"I'll have an ML." So the bartender gives her a Miller Light.
The blonde is catchingon so she goes up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a 15."
The bartender thinks about it, looks around, and says,"Ok, you stumped me. What's a 15?"
The blonde goes,"Duh! 7 and 7."
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the
same stuff?