Schizophrenic
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other
Medical
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Old-fashioned Way
I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.
One Liners
Clinton
Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.
Puns
Why Must We Learn This?
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
Deep Thoughts
Buried
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Legal
Hitting the Bottle
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Relationships
The Maine Man
Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, "Oh, God!"
The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain."
The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?"
Puns
Country Singers
How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1 to screw it in, and 3 to write a song about it.
Lightbulb
Did You Know?
Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow?
*75% of the people that read this try it*
Misc
Baby Stroller
You might be a redneck if your baby stroller consists of a potato sack and a wheelbarrow.
Bar
Abbr.
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
One Liners
Would you please do me a favour?
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Medical
Why Fire Depts. have Dalmatians
A mother was driving her kids to school one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Kids
So Stupid
Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.
Yo Momma
Giraffe Joke
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Giraffe
Giraffe who?
Giraffaggot!
Knock Knock
The Jellybean
Yo mamma so fat when she sat on a jelly bean it got lost between her butt and her backbone, and we have been looking for it still for 31 years.
Misc
Hecho En Mexico
A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?"
She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"
Medical
Practice
A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
Sports
Inventions
Blonde inventions:
Waterproof towel
Unbreakable egg
Submarine screen door
Solar powered flash light
Helicopter ejection seat
Inflatable dart board
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Food
Hum Hum
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor doctor! I can't eat food through my mouth cause it hurts" The doc says "Try eating through your bum, it might help" A few weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the road in a very weird way, he asks "Why are you walking like that? Are you hurt?" The man replies "No you fool! I'm chewing a toffie"
Medical
The Gum was Mad
Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class?
A. It was Chewed Out!
School
Television
You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
Puns
Blood Circulation
Blood Circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
Little Johnny shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Deep Thoughts
Olive
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!!!
Knock Knock