How Many Men?
Q:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part!
Lightbulb
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
That's My Car!
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months."
"What? That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"You're right. It's mine."
Legal
Sunday School
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
School
I Cant Find My Boots!
Child: "Teacher! I can't find my boots!"
Teacher: "Are you sure?"
Child: "Yes! There is only one pair left, and it's not mine!"
Teacher:"Are you sure?"
Child:" Definitely! Mine had snow on them!"
Kids
Fur Me
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
Animals
Pride and Panic
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
Kids
Alison
Knock-Knock?
Who's there?
Alison.
Alison who?
Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!
Knock Knock
A Spanish Man
What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?
Answer: Roberto.
Puns
Faces
"I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll
be glad to make an exception."
-Groucho Marx
Misc
59 Seconds
"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live."
"Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."
Medical
Not Joking
Knock-knock
Who's there
It's me. This is not a joke.
It's me. This is not a joke. who?
Grrrrrrrrrr...
Knock Knock
Feminists
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group.
Lightbulb
Bin Laden
Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse.
His son asks him, "Dad, which film is this?" to which he replied, "Son, this isn't a film, this is a series."
Dad Jokes
Braincells
How do a blond's braincells die?
Alone.
Misc
Random Answers
Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns.
Larry: Who, Me?
Teacher: That answer is correct.
Kids
The Teachers
How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person.
Lightbulb
A Bus Trip
It was the senior citizens' monthly bus trip, and the new driver, a great deal younger than their usual driver, a sedate 50-something, was careering down winding roads at quite a pace.
The volunteer who was accompanying them was a little flustered, and with an embarrassed laugh, said to the old lady across the aisle, "Some speed, eh, Mrs. Jones?"
"I don't know about the others," she replied, "but I certainly have!"
Bar
Sword
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
One Liners
Haha
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Kook
Kook who?
Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?
Knock Knock
Crabs
A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward herâbut he was walking straight and not sideways!
Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.
The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"
He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!".
Animals
Help! I'm stuck
Did you hear about the accident at the mall?
There was a power outage and a group of blondes was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!
Misc
How Many Paranoids?
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What exactly do you mean by that?
Lightbulb
Two Vultures Board an Airplane...
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Puns
747 Full of Lawers
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Legal