Yo Mama
Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.
Yo Momma
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Grandfather
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Technology
WTF???
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.
Knock Knock
A Greater Insult
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole."
Food
If You Want Something Different
This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, "I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different!" The bartendar says, "12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over!" The man replies, "What? And have a houseful of kids!"
Bar
Stupid: It's Whats For Breakfast
Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?
Food
Ape Sea
Which sea will make you go ape?
The Chimpansea.
Animals
Gorilla
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!!!
Animals
You're a Redneck...
You know you're a redneck if:
1) You drive your house and sleep in your car.
2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.
3) You have more than 2 relatives named Buh Buh.
4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.
5) You've been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.
Food
Chips
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Chips.
Chips who?
Chips Ahoy!
Knock Knock
A Spanish Man
What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?
Answer: Roberto.
Puns
Skeleton
The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
Bar
6.9
A boy asks his dad,"Dad, what is 6.9?"
The dad answers, "69 interrupted by a period!"
Dad Jokes
Pool Fire
What is more stupid then a brunette trying to start a fire in a pool?
A blonde trying to put it out.
Misc
Exciting People
How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house.
Lightbulb
Research
Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers."
"Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats."
"Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."
Legal
Stars
A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"
The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"
"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
Deep Thoughts
Knock Knock, Harry P
-Knock Knock!
-Who's there?
-You know.
-You know who?
-Thats right, avada kedavra!
Knock Knock
The Gladiator
A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.
Food
Comparing The Presidents
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
School
Golf is Like...
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously, it won't work -- and both are expensive.
Sports
One Summer Evening...
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
Relationships
Good Lawyers v Great Lawyers
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
Legal
On Vacation
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Legal