On the Other Hand
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Zoo Trip
Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said "I didn't know an animal had escaped."
Yo Momma
Light Bulb
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That is what their students are for.
Lightbulb
Hillary's Got This Huge...
"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
- David Letterman
Food
Weight Loss
Yo momma's so fat, she has to go on three weight loss systems.
Yo Momma
The Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Relationships
Not Joking
Knock-knock
Who's there
It's me. This is not a joke.
It's me. This is not a joke. who?
Grrrrrrrrrr...
Knock Knock
How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
Kids
Two Fat Guys in a Bar
There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, "your round", the other guy says, "so are you, you fat basted!"
Bar
Rough Times
A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said "Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!"
Bar
Muffins
If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!
Food
Arkansas Toothbrush
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".
Misc
Duck Tape
#1 rule of a redneck-
If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.
Animals
Kinky Costume
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.'
'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep.
'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'
Bar
Radar
Yo momma's so fat, she shows up on radar.
Yo Momma
Clever Blond
What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted.
Technology
Bumper Sticker Rebuttal
Seen on a bumper sticker:
"I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."
One Liners
Doorway
Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate.
Yo Momma
Two Eskimos
Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Puns
Who's Art in Heaven?
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.
"Art who?" asked the boy's mother.
"Art in heaven," came the reply.
Technology
Mechanics
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
Lightbulb
Personal Question
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.
"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."
"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"
"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
Bar
Toiletry
Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!
Yo Momma
Watchmen
On a nightly stroll a blonde came across an office building. A sign said, "Press bell for Watchman." She presses it and hears an old man coming down the stairs. He turns on the light, unlocks the gate, and shuts off the security system. When he asked what the blonde wanted, she replied, "Why can't you press that button for yourself?"
Office