Halloween
Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo Momma
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Blond Snowman
Why is it so hard to make a blond snowman???
Because you have to hollow out its head!!!!!
Deep Thoughts
The Bigger family
Who's Bigger?
Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
His baby cause he is a little Bigger.
Kids
Irish
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish I could think of a better joke!
Knock Knock
Train
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Chugga Chugga Chooch
Chugga Chugga Chooch Who?
Wheeee!! A train! All aboard!
Knock Knock
A Mushroom
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom."
"Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
Bar
The Root?
What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree?
Babe Root!
Sports
What do you call.....
What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A Pork-Chop!
Animals
Oh Give Me a Break
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Misc
NO SWIMMING
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
Relationships
What's Her Name
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."
Relationships
Making the Rounds
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Medical
Bishop, Priest, Rabbi
A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
Bar
Three Politicians
Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, "No no no I like my wife on the bottom, she needs to know who the one with the control and dominance is." The independent blurted out, "I prefer my wife out of town."
Bar
MISSING
This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store:
"I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again."
And a different one:
"I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!"
Technology
Ugly Person
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
Medical
HAIR
This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair.
His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot."
Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say,
"Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"
Kids
Taxes
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
Office
Class Reunion
I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.
One Liners
The Girl at the Restaurant
Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said "Why did you trip me?"
And the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said "I wanted to see a flying saucer!"
Food
Stuffed Lion
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."
Animals
Cinderella
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?
She kept running away from the ball!!
Sports
What Do You Call A Man...
What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use?
Don't know it's never happened.
Relationships
Trip to Hawaii
"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor.
"He went twice!"
Relationships