How Many Irishmen...
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins!
Lightbulb
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Bar fight
A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other.
"who hit me?"
"It wasn't me."
"I didn't see too much either."
"It must have been the dog"
"What dog?"
"I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog."
"Doh, that means I hit myself."
"hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that."
Bar
Yo Momma
Yo momma is so stupid, she put a free sample on layaway.
Yo Momma
Buffet
Yo momma so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!
Yo Momma
Judgement
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
One Liners
WTF???
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.
Knock Knock
Yogurt
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Bar
Bragging Children
There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time.
1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month.
2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week.
3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!
Kids
The Surgery
A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, "Did it go well?"
"It went perfectly."
"Then why do I have this headache?"
"Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic."
Medical
Don't Get Distracted!!!!!
How Many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
1:Let's go ride our bikes!
2:Hey look! A squirrel.
Lightbulb
Uglyness
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!!
Yo Momma
911 Number
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
Medical
Testing, 1, 2
Your mom is so stupid, when the doctor told her she had to take a pregnancy test, she asked how long she had to study
Yo Momma
Bad News/Good News
Mother to teenage daughter:
"The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."
Kids
Too Fat
Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat."
Friend 2:"You are looking too old."
Friend 1:"I am not old."
Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."
Kids
How Many?
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Lightbulb
M. J.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Through a catalogue!!
Animals
Twinkies
I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
One Liners
Dumb Lightbulb
Why did the lightbulb fail his test?
He wasnt bright enough!
Lightbulb
Lawyers Creed
Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
One Liners
Apricot
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Apricot.
Apricot who?
Apricot my key, open up!
Knock Knock
Robot's Food?
What is a robot's favorite food?
Nuts and bolts!
Technology
Cats
Q: Why are cats similar to sentences?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
Puns
Abbott
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Abbott.
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock