Candy
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Candy
Candy who?
Candy have some sweets? Please!
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Names
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie.
Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie who?
Ike Anne Wyatt Tillie (I can't wait till)
it's three o' clock!
Knock Knock
A Women's top secrets to a GREAT relationship
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Relationships
Arithmetic
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." the boy replied.
Kids
Perfect Idiot
People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.
One Liners
Bad News / Good News: Lawyer's Version
A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news."
"Right, what's the bad news?"
"It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime."
"So what's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is way down!"
Legal
On the First Day...
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
Animals
Eagles
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
One Liners
Why Are.....
Why are constipated people so mean and rude?
..because they don't give a crap!
Misc
Lone Ranger
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."
Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
Animals
Empty Stomach
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Kids
A Level Playing Field!
The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers.
Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe."
The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000."
The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski.
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"
Legal
Semi-pro Baseball
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
Sports
Boo!
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don't cry it's just a joke
Knock Knock
Acid
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock
Calculator Jokes
Do this on a calculator! So here's the story: a woman had 69 boobs which was too too too much. So she went to 51st street and the doctor took all the time he had and ate all the boobs and she became boobless!
69 boobs
222 much
51st street
6922251 X time
6922251 X 8 ate
6922251 =55378008 flip your calculator, and she became boobless!
Medical
Women & TV
Joe: I got a problem.
Ed: What's the matter?
Joe: Women. I just don't understand them.
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed: So what's the problem?
Relationships
Vending Machine
A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing???" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"
Misc
I Can't Kvetch
A Jewish man in a hospital tells the doctor he wants to be transferred to a different hospital.
The doctor says "What's wrong? Is it the food?"
"No, the food is fine. I can't kvetch."
"Is it the room?"
"No, the room is fine. I can't kvetch."
"Is it the staff?"
"No, everyone on the staff is fine. I can't kvetch."
"Then why do you want to be transferred?"
"I can't kvetch!"
Medical
Oranges
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana!
Knock Knock
Roach Joke
How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!
Animals
Walks Into a Bar
A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?
Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
Bar
Cow or Owl?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Moo, moo, who.
Moo, moo, who, who?
Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?
Knock Knock
Drunk
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
Bar