Why Lawyers are Like Little Kids
The only concept they understand is "mine".
Legal
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The Wongs
A Chinese couple got married and were now known as Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong. However, they didn't know why, but they couldn't have white children. So they went to the doctor to find out what the problem was, and they told him the story and the doctor replied, "Didn't you know?" "Two Wongs don't make a white!"
Puns
Dumb Warning Labels
On clothes: do not iron while wearing.
On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.
Misc
Listening
No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.
One Liners
Beer F$%^
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked.
"Beerf$%^."
Bar
King...
Knock,knock!
Who's there?
King!
King who?
King Kong is now part of China.
Knock Knock
You Are So Ugly
You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot
Yo Momma
Drinks
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar.
The redhead walks up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a BL." So the bartender gives her a Bud Light.
The brunette walks up next and says,"I'll have an ML." So the bartender gives her a Miller Light.
The blonde is catchingon so she goes up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a 15."
The bartender thinks about it, looks around, and says,"Ok, you stumped me. What's a 15?"
The blonde goes,"Duh! 7 and 7."
Animals
Solar Powered
Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses!
One Liners
Busted!
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Relationships
Microsoft Employees
How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!
Lightbulb
Blonde's Computer Freezes
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.
Programming
Hockey
What do you call a Canadian fire?
A Calgary Flame.
Sports
Sick Bird
Q: What is the definition of a sick bird?
A: Illegal
Animals
Autopsies
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Medical
Joe
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Jo mama
Knock Knock
8 Men
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 8 men, One to get off the couch, One to find a lightbulb, One to find a ladder, One to screw it in, One to shock himself and shock everyone around, One to call a docter, One to find out that it wasn't out, the switch was off, and finally, one to sit back in laugh!
Lightbulb
So Dumb
Yo mama so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Yo Momma
Cows Night Out
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the moovies
Animals
Blonde and Brunette
A blonde and brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Why did the brunette hit the floor before the blonde?
The blonde asked for directions!
Misc
Signs #3
Sign at an office kitchen:
After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.
Food
Lizzie
Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb
A: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation)
Lightbulb
Order of Monks
A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, "I hate porridge." A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, "I like porridge." Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...
"Would you two stop this constant bickering!"
Food
Bush Visits a Classroom
President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, "Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face."
"Yes, sir," one of the girls said.
"Then why is it," he continued, "that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run to my feet?"
"Because your feet aren't empty," replied a boy in the back of the room.
Deep Thoughts