Before Hunting
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
"Let us prey."
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Bed Time
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, 'Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!'
'No. You had your chance.'
A minute later the boy screamed 'Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?'
'No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.'
'Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?'
Kids
Ugly Contest
Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals..."
Yo Momma
Scoring Golf?
I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.
Sports
I Know
I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
One Liners
How to Ruin a Joke on Wocka
Register lots of accounts, with each account voting for it as least comedy. If its average comedy drops below 0.5, it will be automatically deleted.
Technology
Car
Yo momma's so fat that a car hit her and she turned around and said "Hey! Who threw that rock!"
Yo Momma
Tornado and Redneck Divorce
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.
Misc
Laugh
"He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke."
One Liners
Broccoli
Broccoli, while not exoccoli,
Is within an inach of being spinach.
Misc
Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the backyard filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the girl was up to he asks, "What are you up to there Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*****g cat!"
Kids
The Fattest Mama
Yo momma is so fat I had to take five trains, eight cars,
and twelve airplanes just to get around her!
Yo Momma
Behind Back
You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!
One Liners
Attention
Teacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?!
Pupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!!
Kids
Alphabet!
Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet!
Dad: That took you 5 yaars!
Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!
Dad Jokes
Suicide
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
Animals
Ouch, My Head!
Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that!
It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me!
Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.
Misc
2 Black Eyes
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice...
Relationships
Erasing the Slate
Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?
A: They are the only ones who erase their
notebook when the teacher erases the board.
School
Who was That?
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
Kids
You Start
Tom: I've got a great knock-knock joke.
Bill: Ok, let's hear it.
Tom: You start.
Bill: Knock-knock.
Tom: Who's there?
Bill: ???????????? (dumbfounded)
Knock Knock
Epitaph
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man."
"Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
Legal
How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes...
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
Kids
Mom was Cleaning the House...
Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.
Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do. So, she waited until her husband got home to discuss it with him.
After she showed him the magazines, she asked him, "Well, what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know what to do." he told her. "I really don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"
Relationships