The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old."
The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?"
The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
What is the answer to this riddle?
What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
A: Nothing
I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Through a catalogue!!
Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!
Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first."
--Oscar Levant
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
--Fred Allen
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--G. C. Lichtenberg
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got
One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses & walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him.
" How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?"
Moses replied," Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years."
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
Do you know how old hags tell time?
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A witch-watch!
When physics meets Star Wars:
May the net force be with you!
What do you call a blonde which is as sweet as a pickle and has dirty blonde hair?
A sweet potatoe!
Q: What do you call 4 blondes standing side-by-side?
A: A wind tunnel.
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale.
Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
What does NASCAR stand for?
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
One day a boy walked in the classroom. The teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The next boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The last boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. Then a girl walked in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you're late beacause you were on top of Blueberry Hill". Then the girl said, "I am Blueberry Hill".
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Little boy blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Micheal Jackson!!!!!
What is 4-2?
two.
What is 8-6?
two.
Who wrote Tom Sawyer?
Twain
Now say the answers altogether.
Two two Twain.
Have a nice twip!
Where does Superman's goldfish live ?
In the superbowl....
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner.
How does a blonde confuse you?
When she comes out and says she found it.
How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to be the cunsultant.
One to be the labor manager.
Two to hire people.
Four to actually screw in the lightbulb.
Five to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors.