Doughnut
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
I doughnut want to know if you're sick!
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
In Demand
Harry walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry, "I knew I could count on you!"
Office
A Will
What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway).
Puns
Watchmen
On a nightly stroll a blonde came across an office building. A sign said, "Press bell for Watchman." She presses it and hears an old man coming down the stairs. He turns on the light, unlocks the gate, and shuts off the security system. When he asked what the blonde wanted, she replied, "Why can't you press that button for yourself?"
Office
All Afternoon?
A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husband
and sees he has a set of golf clubs.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he replies, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"
Relationships
Perform a Specified Task
How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?
A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.
Lightbulb
Definition of an Alarm Clock
alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children
One Liners
Dr. Seuss's Lost Tongue Twister
See if you can do this: Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
Animals
The Cow
James came to school late.
TEACHER: James, why are you late?
JAMES: I had to take the cow to the bull to mate.
TEACHER: Couldn't your father do that?
JAMES: No, I think it's better for the bull to do it.
Kids
Men are like...
Men are like... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not so bright.
Men are like... Bank accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like... High heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Relationships
Pirates' Money
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
Puns
Another Democrat Joke
A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured.
At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating."
The sister replies, "Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
Medical
Cats and Dogs
Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
A. Because you might step in a poodle.
Animals
Latin Class
To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase:
semper ubi, sub ubi
Translation:
Always wear under wear.
Misc
Crosswalk
In Midtown Manhattan a police officer arrives at the scene of what appears to be a bad accident. A pedestrian is lying in the crosswalk. The driver of the car under suspicion says, "I swear I didn't touch him! I saw him at the crosswalk, I came to a complete stop, motioned for him to cross, and he fainted."
Office
Dishwater
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
Relationships
Bungee Jumping
Yo mama's so fat that when she went bungee jumping, she took down the whole bridge with her.
Yo Momma
Dirt, Dirt, and More Dirt!
Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections!
Other Earth Worm: Why?
Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!
Animals
Midget Walks Into a Bar
A midget walks into a bar and trips over some sh*t left on the floor.
Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment, he doesn't make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink.
A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t.
The midget smiles and says, "I just did that".
So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.
Bar
Alaska
You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!
Legal
Talkin' Walkin' Kids
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
-Phyllis Diller
Kids
Fishing
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong"?
The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church".
The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".
Dad Jokes
Song ---
I Hate you
you hate me
barney gave *****(1) H.I.V
so we kicked them in the balls and
shot her in the head
now that *****(2) bitch is dead
anii stars ***** men add someones nae or add an adjective to fit i.e -
*****(1)fred
*****(2)ugly
Bar
My Neighbor
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
Animals