Telephone Booth
Yo momma is so stupid that she gets lost in a telephone booth.
Yo Momma
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Cough
Overheard in a doctor's waiting room:
"My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
One Liners
Teacher
Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity?
Orville: Why-er....
Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?
Orville: The what?
Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.
School
Lettuce!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's raining!
Knock Knock
Stressed or Just Stupid?
The pressure of a workday can bring out the weirdness in people. Possibilities for stupidity are endless. Here are some real conversations:
Boss: "You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent."
Cube Dweller: "Well, you can't be consistent all the time."
Cashier: "And what form of payment will you be using today?"
Customer: "Money."
Office Manager: "Where were you yesterday?"
Peon: "I was at my cousin's funeral."
Office Manager: "Why? Did she die?"
Office
Laundry Woes
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."
Finally, fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."
Technology
Nintendo
Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys.
Yo Momma
Wheres the Cowboy??
Knock KnocK???
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
Where did that cowboy come from??
Knock Knock
Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the backyard filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the girl was up to he asks, "What are you up to there Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*****g cat!"
Kids
Novocain
"Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist.
"I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."
Puns
Rain
Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?"
Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment."
Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."
Puns
Redneck: Father-in-law
You might be a redneck if your father-in-law said that you had no class, so you spit at him.
School
Why Not?
A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, "Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money." She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, "Well why can't mommy just pick one?"
Kids
Fast!
A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police.
The man asked:
"Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?"
The policeman replied,
"No, you were flying too low..."
Office
Jack
Knock-Knock
Who's there
Jack
Jack Who
I don't know any jack
Knock Knock
Dads Head
Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
Dad Jokes
I Cant Find My Boots!
Child: "Teacher! I can't find my boots!"
Teacher: "Are you sure?"
Child: "Yes! There is only one pair left, and it's not mine!"
Teacher:"Are you sure?"
Child:" Definitely! Mine had snow on them!"
Kids
OFR's
Quotes from Officer Fitness Reports:
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
Office
Pope's Crossword Puzzle
A man was sitting next to the Pope on a cross-country flight. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He turned to the man and asked "Do you know a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"
The man thought for a minute and said "Aunt."
"Oh yes, of course," the Pope replied. "Do you have an eraser?"
Relationships
We're All Screwed
You know what? Everybody is screwed these days.
In the office, you're screwed if you don't do you're job well.
At home, You're screwed if you don't listen to your parents.
At school/college, You're screwed by many- Teachers, bullies, the principal etc...
And they say we're all screwed on December 21st 2012!
But, these things don't bother me. The one thing that makes me mad is when I'm looking for a virgin and they're ALL screwed!
Office
Bad Grade
A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but
unfortunately it is the lowest grade the
University will allow me to award."
School
Dark Ages
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages?
Betty: Because they had so many knights.
Deep Thoughts
Money, Money, Money!
Jt/xmktp?akhjgp/uqpuRujgrt/pvP/tq/tkHqtjhqtjb!)<(]{,twmjtwmjtwmkadnjgptkgptjafmjipV9mkBRiECl88888888888888888888888888888888888888887777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777I won at the slots! modge???? i m ?!?! bubbye *cheffy!=
Knock Knock
Hardest Word
3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".
Technology