Ocelot?
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot!
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
If Only Men Would Listen
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies,
"BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Misc
Peanuts
Yo momma so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts!
Yo Momma
On the Beach
Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in.
Yo Momma
Knock Knock
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To you.
Knock Knock
An Interesting Thing About Golf...
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Sports
Welfare Blonde
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how you cook food stamps.
Office
Grandma
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
One Liners
What is the Diffrence
What is the difference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trousers and Superman wears it over the
trousers.
Kids
Stolen Homework
One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!
Kids
How Many...
Q: how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: 3, one to screw in the light bulb an 2 to listen to him brag about the "srewing" part
Lightbulb
Season Tickets
Amy was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.
Amy said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"
"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."
Sports
Doctor,Doctor!
1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil instead!
2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter!
You'll just have to be a little patient.
3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible!
I'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now.
Medical
Iron Phone
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
Medical
Freeway
When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.
One Liners
A Guy Walks Into a Pet Shop...
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
Animals
More Headlines
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
(Just how guilty was he?)
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(I say, give it to him.)
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
(What?)
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.)
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
(Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)
Legal
Exciting People
How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house.
Lightbulb
Smart Teacher
The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
Kids
Different Nationalities
"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."
Bar
Ketchup
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup to ya later!
Knock Knock
Edited Lyric to 'Complicated'
I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated:
"Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet,
And during this I -
I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out;
Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom,
Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
Animals
Owies!!
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?
A: Because her boyfriend was blond too!
Misc
Hot Pursuit
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"
"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
Animals