The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish,
"May Heaven preserve you always."
To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with,
"May Heaven pickle you, too."
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
1. knock knock,
who's there?
Ima,
Ima who?
Ima hungry can we eat yet?
2. knock knock,
who's there?
peas,
peas who?
peas can we start know
3. knock knock,
who's there?
phil,
phil who?
phil my cup up with water please
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?
"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
CONGRATULATIONS!
WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF THE VERY VERY VERY FEW WHO READ THE README FILE!
But because the other, huge percentage do NOT, we moved the actual contents of this file into IGNOREME file because the chances for most of the people to read IGNOREME are at least the chances to read README (more than that, we
believe they are really much higher).
So now, go read IGNOREME with the actual contents what you would have expected here.
What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
yo mama and daddy r so fat, half the world went to ur mom, the other to ur dad.
A blonde girl was at school staring at a puzzle on her desk that she could not figure out. The teacher comes by and tells her, "You can solve it! Just use your head!" The teacher comes back to check on the blonde and she saw her head all bruised up. The teacher said, "What happened?!" Then the blonde says, "Well, you told me to use my head."
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
A man and a woman are having an intimate dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the man quietly slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."
3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven.
At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral.
The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer."
The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives."
The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"
Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly.
A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail.
"Any mail for Mike Howe?" the rancher asked.
The clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, "No, none for your cow and none for your horse, either."
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
what George W. bush thinks during his cabinet meetings.
Hmmm...what does the w stand for?
Wait... there isn't even a cabinet in here!
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
None, they just assume they've gone blind.
Mom: Why did you get a grade so low?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mom: Who, You?
Junior: No, the kid who sits right next to me.
"Grade inflation," where assigned grades creep higher and higher, is a concern for teachers. What's the logical limit of grade inflation?
F - Student appears to be a multicellular organism.
D - Student has mastered many autonomic bodily functions.
C - Student can operate a writing instrument without harming self or others.
B - Student is able to form a complete sentence, on the second or third try.
A - Student has marginal to excellent understanding of the course material.
Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns.
Larry: Who, Me?
Teacher: That answer is correct.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here.
A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?
Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!