Mary Short For...
What is Mary short for?
For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Waiter 2
Waiter, this plate is wet.
That's your soup, sir.
Bar
Self Centered Momma
Yo self-centered momma is so fat, the world really does revolve around her!
Yo Momma
Lawyers Playing Poker
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
"I win!" said Johnson.
Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
Legal
Surveys & Contests
From time-to-time our site requests information from users via surveys. Participation in these surveys or contests is completely voluntary and the user therefore has a choice whether or not to disclose this information. Information requested may include contact information (such as name and shipping address), and demographic information (such as zip code, age level). Survey information will be used for purposes of monitoring or improving the use and satisfaction of this site.
Programming
I Didn't Do It
A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers.
"You're fired!" exclaimed the boss.
"I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker.
The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!"
Programming
Bucket O Crap
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ?
A: The bucket.
Legal
Attack of the Abstract Noun
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
Kids
Little Johnny Learns About Bugs
Little Johnny: Hey dad, are bugs good to eat?
Dad: Son, let's not talk about that at the dinner table, okay?
Little Johnny and his dad were talking after dinner...
Dad: So what did you want to say about bugs?
Little Johnny: Oh, nothing. There was one in your soup, but it's gone now!
Kids
Hunted
Bob and Bo are hunting. Bob had a sever case of diarrhea so he decided to stay and rest up. Bo goes out and kills a big deer and guts it. He then thinks it would be funny if he laid the deers guts in Bob's sleeping bag so he does and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and see's that Bob and the guts are gone. Then he notices Bob and asks how's he feeling. Bob says, "My diarrhea was so bad I crapped my guts out but with God's grace and these two fingers I got them all back in."
Misc
Suicidal Blonde
One day a blonde came home from work early and when she walked into her house, she saw her husband in bed with another woman. She pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. Her husband screams, "NO DON'T DO IT! I'm sorry!"
To which the blonde replies "SHUT UP! You're next!"
Relationships
Old-fashioned Way
I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.
One Liners
Sick Pony
What did the sick pony say to its mother?
I'm a little hoarse.
Puns
Big Momma at the Family Reunion
Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane.
Yo Momma
3 Ants
Three ants went to the beach to swim.
Two jumped directly in the water.
The other went back home and after an hour returned.
Why?
She forgot her swimming suit!!
Animals
Alaska
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Alaska
Alaska who?
Alaska one more time, open the door
Knock Knock
Changing Diapers
After they'd brought their first baby home from the hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."
The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. "Oh," he replied finally. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Relationships
Birthday
Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday.
Yo Momma
Running For Office
While running for the Senate in New York, the young man's political advisor heard some very upsetting news.
"Listen," he said, "you must go to Albany right away or you're going to lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."
"I have to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose even more votes," replied the candidate.
"Why? What's happening in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.
"They're telling the truth about me!" replied the candidate.
Office
Blind Sky Diving
Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the crap outta the dog.
Animals
I Know What the Bible Means
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
Dad Jokes
Skiing
Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of
waterskis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
Misc
Scare me
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
Relationships
Mee-ow!
If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left?
None, they're all copycats!
Animals