Dyslexics
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Don't Get Distracted!!!!!
How Many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
1:Let's go ride our bikes!
2:Hey look! A squirrel.
Lightbulb
The Long Term Implications of Drug...
The long term implications of drug research and medical procedures must be fully considered.
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
Medical researchers believe that by the year 2030 there will be a significant number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
Medical
Bucket O Crap
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ?
A: The bucket.
Legal
Unique
Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
One Liners
Skiing
On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"
He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."
Medical
Daddy Needs a New Pair O' Pants!
Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say,
Daddy needs a new pair o' pants!
(Come on, winter is coming!)
Dad Jokes
July
Knock Knock
Who's there?
July
July who?
July like Bill Clinton
Knock Knock
Computer Lab
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
Technology
Tigger
Why does Tigger smell so bad?
Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh.
Puns
When Pigs Fly
It was often said that if an African American was
ever voted in to be the President of the United States,
that would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after
President Barack Obama is in office, swine flu.
Office
Mary Short For...
What is Mary short for?
For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.
Misc
Helpful Priest
A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. "And now what, my little man?" he asked.
"Now," said the boy, "run like hell!"
Kids
100 Years Old
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Medical
If Wives Were Newspapers...
WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
HUSBAND : " I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!"
Relationships
I Know What the Bible Means
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
Dad Jokes
If Brains Were Fuel!!!
If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.
Technology
Graduated Cylinder
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
"You may have graduated, but I have several degrees."
Misc
Women's Problems
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology (Gynecology)
HIMmorrhoid (Hemorrhoid)
Relationships
Fritzchen II
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."
School
Hillary, Monica, and Bill
"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill
One Liners
Password Stars
A blond employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!"
Office
Radio
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Radio.
Radio Who?
Radio not, here I come!
Knock Knock
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death
Food