The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Knock,knock....
Who's there?
Fortification.
Fortification who?
Fortification, we're going to Miami.
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Knock,knock....
Who's there?
Carl.
Carl who?
Carl get you there faster than a bike.
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Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, "What shall I do with this extra breast?" And God created Adam.
When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. My wife went up to the hostess (who was blonde) and asked, "Will it be long?"
The hostess, ignoring her, kept on writing in her book. My wife again asked "How much of a wait?"
The blonde looked up, "About ten minutes."
A short time later, the blonde got on the loudspeaker, and announced "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths?
Ugly!
A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?".
"It's simple. You're just two tents".
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
You're so ugly...
that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Yo mama's so fat that when she went bungee jumping, she took down the whole bridge with her.
One day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day.
The first man comes back with 100.
The second man comes back with 110.
The third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said,
"Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!
What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor?
Looking for an internship.
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
Little Johnny: Hey dad, are bugs good to eat?
Dad: Son, let's not talk about that at the dinner table, okay?
Little Johnny and his dad were talking after dinner...
Dad: So what did you want to say about bugs?
Little Johnny: Oh, nothing. There was one in your soup, but it's gone now!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yelled one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yelled the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!" they yelled.
Grow some dope... plant a man.
a = b, b = c, a = c.
Math Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter.
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common.
They both irritate bush!
A friend of mine spent two hours in the salon getting her hair colored, cut, and blow dried. After all that, was it too much to ask to be treated like Cinderella at the ball? Yet when she went to the desk to pay, the receptionist said to her, "Hello, madam, who is your appointment with today?"
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb?
They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!