What Do You Call.....
What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field?
2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers
Sports
Whether you play in the big leagues or just watch from the couch, these sports jokes are a home run.
Jump Rope
Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
A: No, I skipped it!
Season Tickets
Amy was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.
Amy said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"
"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."
FLINT MICHIGAN?
Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan?
A: Because then Detroit would want one too!
Skateboard
A blonde, a red head and a brunette are all skateboarding and bragging about their best tricks.
The brunette says, "I can do a double impossible and a misty." The red head says, "Thats nothing. I can do a 1080 flip off a quarter pipe, then do a double double and land it without falling". Then the blonde says, "I dont know what the big deal is with all of you guys, I can do all those with no hands!"
Semi-pro Baseball
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
Betting
"I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000." Tommy told Rob.
"Hey, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?" Rob exclaimed.
"No Man, I bet Rs 500 on that match." Tommy replied.
"So, what happened to the other Rs 500?" Rob asked.
"My Friend, I bet on the highlights too." Tommy replied.
You Missed!
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
The Car Race
The Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won.
However, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows â
"In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last."
(There were only two cars involved!)
I was Thinking
All you see in the sports media nowadays is the fact that athletes are taking steriods and other performance enhanceing drugs to become stronger and faster.
So instead of going out and buying a new car I put some steriods in the gas tank.... I wonder if I will get the same result?
The Fisherman's Tail
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.
On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"
The Health Club
I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to show up.
South African Football
Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?"
Lightbulb
How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.
NASCAR
What does NASCAR stand for?
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
The Idiot
Soccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball?
New Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for!
No I in Team!
Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."
Putt, Drag, Putt, Drag, Putt.....
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
Olympic Games
A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is:
-You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses.
But, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies:
-You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?
Bad News
Two mates calles mik and mak went to the Australia vs England game. It was mik`s birthday, and mik gave mak a ride and mak took mik`s birthday present with him.He went to get it while mik wached the 4th over. Mak said to mik i`ve got some bad news for you buddy. Your car was actually a car bomb and blew up...but mik interupted by saying Well makky, mate I`ve got some bad news for you. what? mak asked. Ricky ponting`s out,he replied
Basketball Hoops and Misdemeanor
Basketball hoops are like misdemeanor. The more I miss it da meanor I get.
What Sport?
What is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T?
Golf.
(Golf starts with a tee!)