What's the difference?
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
Sports
Whether you play in the big leagues or just watch from the couch, these sports jokes are a home run.
Psyched Up
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
Lilac Crazy
The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members.
Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
Hockey
What do you call a Canadian fire?
A Calgary Flame.
On the Golf Course
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Endless Love
What's the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis!
Endless Love!
Boxing's not a sport: proof
Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.
Beckham Joke
Beckham went into training one day and saw Owen with a thermo-flask. He asked him what it was for and Owen said "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold".
The next day Beckham came into training with a thrmo-flask. So Owen asked him what he had in it. He said "well you said it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold so Posh told me to put in some coffee and enough choc-ices for the lads but when I looked into the thermo-flask, when I got here, the choc-ices had melted!"
Baseball Game
A woman was watching her son pitch in a little league baseball. He wasn't very good, walking all of the batters that came up to bat, but after every pitch, the mom was yelling wildy and cheering her wonderful son on. Because of all the batters he had walked, the score was 14-0 in the 1st inning. Finally, one little boy came up, hit a grounder, and made it safely to first. "Dang it," the mother muttered, "there goes his no-hitter."
Keep Your Head Down
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
Worm Safety
The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions.
"Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake."
"I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."
Handicap
He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her.
"You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?"
"Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.
Late Tee Off
"Your late teeing off, Fred."
"Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf"
"But why are you so late?"
"I had to toss for it fifteen times!"
Cinderella
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?
She kept running away from the ball!!
10 Things in Golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Heaven vs Hell
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
Academics?
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his academics?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a just little crooked."
Practice
A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
Be Kind
Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.
Golfing Guru
Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
Rookie
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
I was at the Golf Store...
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Golf ...
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
If You Find...
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.