The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Prepare to question everything you know with these hilarious philosophical shower thoughts.
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm cured?"
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards?
Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?
What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries!
Why does MJ like Wal-Mart?
Because they have boys' pants half off!
What time is bedtime in Neverland?
When the big hand touches the little hand!
And now, for the grand finale:
What is brown and in little boys' pants?
MJ's hand!
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Blood Circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
Little Johnny shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded:
But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year!
(2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed)
Hey, pal! Buddy, friend, mate, amigo!
I've just heard that I won first prize in a competition!
It's a ten-day holiday for me and five others to Disney World!
So I was wondering, if you're not doing anything next Wednesday, if you could
put my garbage can out for collection!
You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When...
People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, yah hear?"
"I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am."
Inside i could hear a lot of bass noise pumping. I went outside to see what it was and i found out it was a drummer practicing. I went inside and told my family that the player made a mistake and said dammit. My brother said "I wonder which band it was?"
"That guy looks like Jesus... and so does his friend.. did Jesus have a twin?"
"No, at least.. I dont think he did.. never thought about it"
"Oh, well. Twins are awesome... hey, why is Jesus walking into our school? *gasp* what if he rapes us all?! JESUS IS A PEDO!"
"Calm down, Jesus isn't a pedo, he loves kids!"
"Gee, that helps"
During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town's preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
A mother and her child were at a wedding.
A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"