Four Ladies Walked Into the Bar...
The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Bar
A guy walks into a bar... and finds this massive list of hilarious bartender jokes.
Keeping Tabs
It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
A Shepherd, a Wolf, and a Flock
As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.
As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.
What do you do?
I would get the flock out of there!
The Gay Bar
Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left.
One guy says "Lets flip for it"
But another says "No, Lets flip it over"
Sign in a Bar
I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago.
A camel can go eight days without a drink -
but who the hell wants to be a camel.
Song ---
I Hate you
you hate me
barney gave *****(1) H.I.V
so we kicked them in the balls and
shot her in the head
now that *****(2) bitch is dead
anii stars ***** men add someones nae or add an adjective to fit i.e -
*****(1)fred
*****(2)ugly
Waiter 1
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
Well, bring me the winner then.
Waiter 2
Waiter, this plate is wet.
That's your soup, sir.
Waiter 3
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?
Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
Waiter 4
Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today.
Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have?
Customer: A clean menu!
An Hour Fast
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.
"I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."
"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.
"It says you want to sleep with me," said the man.
"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."
"Hmmm," said the man, slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."
Midget Walks Into a Bar
A midget walks into a bar and trips over some sh*t left on the floor.
Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment, he doesn't make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink.
A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t.
The midget smiles and says, "I just did that".
So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.
Buddha
Two people were at a bar resting when one said, "I wish I was God." The other said, "Are you mad?" And the other says, "How could you say such a thing?" and the reply is, "I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!"
DUCK!
There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.
Glad to be Drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Two Pints
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.
Ducks Under it
The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar.
The Irishman ducks under it.
Wrong Joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
A Cup of Coffee
Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!"
Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?"
Guest: "Why, filtered, of course."
Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."
Two Rabbis II
Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said they simply called an exterminator and they never saw the squirrels again. The other Rabbi said, "We just gave them all a bar mitzvah, and never saw the squirrels again."
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
Some Kind of Joke
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
Three Blind Mice
Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
Different Nationalities
"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."